False fault or a masterpiece?

On the topic of my house being burgled and forensic people.

2011-10-30T00:20:00.001-07:00

Well, last night i was up really, really late doing my schoolwork along with Skyping with my friend. Around 3AM or so, i heard someone ring on the doorbell outside and that's when i realized that something was wrong because if someone is ringing your doorbell at such an hour, your neighbor is either passed out on his kitchen floor while foaming at the mouth, or someone saw something at your house. I have a window in my room that looks down to the living room, and i heard my parents rustling around outside so i went out of my room and my dad told me that there policemen outside and that someone was in the house, go back inside my room, so i did that.

A few minutes later, there was a knocking on the door of my room and i opened it. Two cops with machine guns and Kevlar vests asked me if i was okay and i said yes. They then asked me to step outside of the room, which i did, and they went inside, searched around, determined that there was nothing and no one inside and left. I asked my mom what happened and she said she woke up around midnight and heard a noise. Her own room has a window that overlooks the entire upper floor of our house, so due to her uneasy feeling, she decided to peek out and saw a man walking up the stairs, eyeing and making his way towards my bedroom. she then quickly locked her door quietly and called the police.

I never saw the man, he never came to my room, and i am thankful that i was awake at this particular moment. My theory is that he saw me turning off my lights and thus deduced that i was still awake, therefore turning around to avoid any problems. My mother corroborated that when she first looked out and saw the man, the lights in my room were turned on, and when the police arrived and she finally left her room to go outside, my lights were turned off. I don't know what i would have done if he had reached my room and tried to come in.

Forensic people came to dust for fingerprints but i am actually dismayed at their conduct. Before majoring in my current major, i had believed and planned for 5 years that i was going to become a forensic scientist specializing in blood spatter analysis and/or ballistics, so to say that forensic science is a interest of mine would be an understatement. They went to the point of entry of the intruder, snapped some pictures and didn't do much. Heck, they even touched it without putting on gloves. They told my parents that this case was hopeless and there's little to no chance that the burglars would get caught. When i learnt of this, i was truly and genuinely disappointed at how they conducted themselves and the investigation. And now, i am torn between relief and despair that i won't be a forensic scientist in this country; relieved because i won't be one of them and live in that culture of work, despair because i won't be one of them and change how things are done in this country.

Eventful night, to say the least.

Actual blogging about my feelings and stupid things like that.

2011-10-08T22:09:00.001-07:00

I am tired of living this life. All i do each day is drag myself through all this self-inflicted heartache that splits my head into two. All this self loathing, paranoia, sadness and anxiety that builds up in my cells is burning me out. The problem is for every good thing that i feel, ten bad things come down on me instantly. No happiness or joy is permanent for me and all i'm doing is waiting for the sadness to rear its ugly head again. It's ruining me.

I want to fake my own death and reemerge as a completely new person. Have a new name, live in a new place, lead a new life. It seems like the simplest solution to end all these emotional and mental games my mind plays on me but realistically, you can't run away from yourself. I can fake my own death ten times over, but it doesn't change the fact that i was born as Latifah Azlan and prior to my rebirth, i still went through all the things that i did. I guess if faking my death ever went through, it'd take even more energy from me to keep up with the pretenses AND block my head from ever thinking these thoughts again, and i suppose that'll be more exhausting than whatever the heck it is that i am dealing with now.

I don't even know why i feel so miserable all the time. Some days i wake up and i'm sad as soon as my eyes open. The rest of it start off decently enough but that never lasts. Expecting for one entire solid day of feeling good is too much because all the days end the same way. If my tears don't physically fall, my heart bleeds itself dry or my brain thinks itself mad. I can't talk about anything because it all seems so silly when i put it into words but shit, it's driving me insane that i have to suppress it all inside of me. If i'm not crumbling away, i'll cave in on myself. Maybe they will both happen, like a poorly baked cake.

That's me - a cake that had the promise of being something delicious and enjoyable but was poorly baked and ended up being a sad and undesirable... thing instead.

On the topic of discrimination.

2011-10-02T02:53:00.000-07:00

A week ago, during a US Gov lesson in which my professor was educating us on civil rights, he used me as an example by putting me in a scenario with various different endings, one after the other, to see how i would react to each one of them. The scenario was in the future, i am applying for a high ranking job with IBM to do international trade, and though i was the most qualified candidate present, i failed to get the job either because of my race, my gender, my upbringing, or my looks.

Undoubtedly, i reacted most strongly towards being discriminated against for being a woman. When the class was surveyed, all of the girls agreed with each other that gender discrimination would be the most enraging form of discrimination while the boys settled on race. My professor found that interesting and amusing that being discriminated against for being a woman would make us feel more upset than being discriminated against for our race or any of the other reasons mentioned. I regret to say, however, that when asked as to why i feel the way that i do, i could not provide a clear and coherent answer or explanation for it. And so, that's what i've been thinking about the whole week - why do i feel much more offended if i were to be discriminated against for being a being a woman, than a Malay?

I suppose, first and foremost, i was extremely fortunate to have been brought up in a country where there has been no extreme cases of racial discrimination as there has been in the United States, for example. So in those instances where i have experienced being discriminated against, it has almost always been because i was a woman. I think in general, all throughout the universe, women are discriminated against because of the gender that we are first, and race second. On the other hand, men are almost never discriminated against for being a man, but it is usually because of their race. Whenever a woman strives to achieve something, the stay-in-the-kitchen "jokes" are almost always told, but everyone still laughs anyway because it's "funny". Can we get off with making a racist joke though? Absolutely not. Are there sexist jokes geared towards men? None that i can think of, and this minor inequality itself shows me that women aren't taken as seriously as they should be in the society.

I have also never identified with being a Malay - not because i am ashamed of who i am, but because i am SO many other things that are much more important about me than that. I take great pride in being a Malay, and i embrace my culture and heritage, but before that though, i am a Muslim, a woman and a Malaysian. Therefore, when someone discriminates against me because of my race, i don't feel that slighted by it because i consider it to be a very small part of who i am as a whole.

In the same field of engineering, women make $20000 dollars less than their male counterparts.
Vivian Leigh, who worked for 125 days for Gone With The Wind, received a paycheck of $25000 while Clark Gable was paid $120000 for working only 71 days on the same film.
Women hold only 3% of clout positions in telecommunications, media, entertainment and advertising fields.
Eventhough women make up 51% of the American population, they only comprise 17% of the Congress.

Those are a few statistics and facts about gender inequality in the world, both today and many years ago. I'm not even going to go into slut shaming, rape culture and many other obvious gender inequality scenarios because there is so much of that going around, especially today, that it is twice as hard for women to make a name for herself compared to men, and this is why gender discrimination is something that angers me.

On the topic of Troy Davis.

2011-09-24T05:10:00.000-07:00

I believe in the death penalty. I know some of you think that it is inhumane or barbaric, but it's very simple to me; if you take away the right of someone to live, you really have no right to live either. However, the death penalty is an extremely serious step to take, and one that should only be decided on when there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that the accused is guilty, and it goes without saying that the death penalty should also be carried out to those who have committed severely heavy crimes (not gonna get into that today).

If you are reading this post, i hope you know who Troy Davis is and what he has been through. In a nutshell, Troy Davis was convicted of the murder of off-duty policeman, Mark MacPhail more than 20 years ago. He was sentenced to death, however, over the last 2 decades, he has successfully evaded his sentence by appeals until last Wednesday, where he was executed via lethal injection in a Georgia prison. Davis maintained his innocence throughout the entire saga, until his final breath.

The facts (if i may use the word) of the case goes as follows:

Out of the nine original eyewitnesses to MacPhail's murder, seven have recanted their testimonies.
There are no physical DNA evidence to tie Davis to the murder.
3 of the original jurors who initially voted for death to be sentenced on to Davis now believe that their vote was a mistake.

( courtesy of Time.com)

The first two points are extremely important for us to consider, especially this being a death penalty case. In addition to that, i have read many reports and articles on this case in which it has been discovered that there were new forensic evidence that could've helped in proving Davis' innocence in the murder. One of the eyewitnesses that recanted his testimony, Redd Coles, has also confessed to being the true killer of MacPhail. Yet, even with all the doubts and uncertainties that have popped up over time, Davis was still executed for a murder that he may or may not have taken part in.

The keywords here are may or may not have. The issue here is not whether or not Davis is truly innocent in the murder of MacPhail, but is he truly guilty? In handling the MacPhail murder, police used outdated and unreliable forensic technology and methods to obtain testimonies from the eyewitnesses. One of them, on the night of the murder, was standing a considerable amount of feet away from the incident when it happened, and in addition to standing in the dark, he could not have possibly seen what he testified to have seen. Despite the many flaws in the case, as well as new and more reliable evidence that has been presented to the Supreme Court, none of them was considered thoroughly and Davis was sent to his own murder on the morning of September 21, 2011.

I believe in the death penalty, but the guilt of the person sentenced to death must be beyond airtight and waterproof for the sentence to be handed down, let alone carried out. No one is upset that Ted Bundy was executed because it cannot be disputed that he did in fact rape and murder all those women. DNA and foolproof forensic evidence confirms this, and he could never have weaseled his way out no matter what he did or said. The tragedy is that Troy Davis was probably not the only possibly innocent man to have been sent to his death in recent years, and yet there have been no changes as to the procedures taken in a death penalty case. Why is this so?

I am trying hard not to bring the race issue into this because i have no desire to comment on that whatsoever. Additionally, i am not well versed in how societal relations in America are as i have spent a large portion of my life living in a country where racial discrimination might not be as severe as it is amongst the Blacks and Whites living in the US. But i have read many commentators on this case calling Troy Davis' execution a legal lynching, and comparing his case to that of Casey Anthony (another infamous trial/case that happened this year). I still would rather not delve into this delicate issue, but i must agree that it is peculiar how Anthony was let off free while Davis was executed- both of their cases had a minimal amount of forensic evidence to tie them to the murders in which they were accused of carrying out (Anthony was guilty though, don't get me wrong, but i will call it like it is).

There really isn't much else to say about this, other than the fact that it is a shame and a travesty of justice that this man was sent to die despite all the holes in his case. While Davis may not be truly innocent in the murder of Mark MacPhail, the notion that he is not completely guilty to the point of execution is even stronger than that of the former. The one good thing that i hope this case will bring in the future is that the procedure and strictness regarding death penalty cases will be reviewed and hopefully, the steps necessary will be taken to ensure that no more innocent men will die for crimes that they might not have committed. Rest in peace, Troy Davis. And Mark MacPhail.

On the topic of the Somalians.

2011-09-12T03:22:00.000-07:00

To those of you who read this blog (still), i'd like to say sorry for the lack of updates lately. I've had many, many things to talk about yet time has not been very kind to me. The start of the second semester has been busy right off the bat, but i've also been very slow in trying to get my points across lately or forming thought provoking paragraphs and sentences. It seems sometimes, that i've turned dyslexic.

Anyway, i remember being 15 and a bitter cynic. Frankly, i don't even remember why i was so bitter. All i know is that i looked at a lot of things, if not everything, in the most pessimistic of ways. Fortunately (or not), i've grown out of that mindset and i tend to lean more towards optimistic views of life nowadays, although still retaining some sort of realistic perception of everything (in short; hoping for the best, preparing for the worst). And so, it saddened me greatly when i asked my parents why they did not partake in the mission trip to Somalia and was met with an answer laced with cynicism and bitterness; "This is just political propaganda for the upcoming elections, and you have been fooled."

While it cannot be disputed that the motives behind the sending of the aid team to Somalia might be less than pure and a little sketchy, i'd like to think that the people who went there genuinely did want to help out the impoverished Somalians in famine. I don't disagree that those doing the sending had ulterior motives due to the immense amount of media coverage that was given to the mission, but why should we focus on them? I find that if all of us were to adopt such a negative view of things, nothing will change. Yes, charity does start at home, but let us remind ourselves that the Somalians have no one but the international community to turn to, and so, as we are all brothers and sisters of the same Earth (as well as in Islam), we musn't turn them away at such a desperate time of their lives.

Like i said before, i don't disagree at all that those in charge might have some less than sincere intentions at sending out the aid mission. I'd even go so far as to say that the death of the cameraman was a result of doing something in the name of glory instead of genuineness (no disrespect to his memory whatsoever, the man died an absolutely unnecessary death). The approach and execution of this aid mission was wrong in all sense of the word. Being in dangerous territory like war torn Somalia instead of a controlled environment like a refugee camp is one thing, but the failure to don basic safety equipment is another. I am not pro-government, or pro-opposition, but i am pro-common sense. Knowing the intense state in which Somalia is in, and has been in for many years, one should have had the smarts to use safety equipment despite the reassurances from the Somali "authorities" that none were needed. I don't reserve my judgment for the ones who were in charge of this trip because the facts are laid bare for us to see, but let us be a little more generous for the ones who had no hidden motive behind their reason for joining the trip to Somalia, other than sincerity in helping others who are suffering.

Relating to that, i don't think that i have been fooled by political propaganda at all, but rather, i am holding out hope that there are still people out there who are paying attention to the Somalis. So many people are dying each day, and you can say that this is nature's way of balancing out the environment, or this is survival of the fittest in action, but when the majority of those who are hungry, ill and perishing are young children who did not even get the chance to fight, it isn't right for any one of us to just sit back and watch. And if, like me, you are unable to contribute physically or financially to help them, i don't think we should bad mouth those who are taking steps to at least ease the suffering of these people who have been helpless for so long.

On the topic of honor killings.

2011-08-05T02:59:00.001-07:00

Today, i read an article on Time magazine's website about the honor killing of an Iraqi-American girl by her Iraqi father, which happened in Arizona. 20-year-old Noor Al-Maleki was run down by her father in his Jeep, which was going very fast, in the parking lot of the Department of Economic Security (DES) in Peoria, Arizona. Her companion at the time was also struck down by her father, and by the time emergency services arrived, Noor was in a comatose state. She passed away after her family chose to unplug her life support machines, after being informed by doctors that she was brain dead.

To her parents, Noor brought dishonor on their family by choosing to make her own choices. She liked wearing "American" clothes, and defied her father's order of an arranged marriage. Noor has also left the family home to move in with a longtime family friend - the same friend who was struck down by her father's Jeep on that fateful night.

Unsurprisingly, the majority of the comments left on this article were "Islamophobic" and disdainful towards the religion, calling it evil, barbaric and so on and so forth. While i understand where these readers' comments are coming from, i must reiterate this again and again that culture =/= religion. It has been said so many times, and yet, so few seem to understand.

Honor killings have never been taught or preached in Islam - ever. Heck, this practice predates the religion, as Arab tribes buried newborn babies, mostly girls, because having a daughter was considered shameful in their time and culture. Even today, honor killings do Christian families, or non-Muslim families, happen just as honor killings in Muslim families do. Admittedly, they are rare and not as plentiful as ones committed by Muslim families, but they happen nonetheless. The majority of honor killings take place in Middle Eastern countries, or amongst people of Middle Eastern heritage, and these people happen to be Muslim. Does this mean that Islam advocates the murder of own daughters? Absolutely not! I, and many other Muslims, will agree that this is a barbaric and evil practice, but it has nothing to do with Islam and everything to do with culture, or at least how a person was brought up.

Take for example, my own self. I am 18 years old, Muslim and living in Malaysia. I don't wear the hijab, i mostly wear dresses and i just recently learnt how to put on eyeliner. My father has not arranged any marriage with any man with me and i am free to make my own choices (befriend other boys), as long as they are within the boundaries of Islam. I am still alive, and so are many of my other friends who are female and Muslim - some of them wearing the hijab, and some of them not. Honor killings are an unheard of occurrence in this part of the world, and we are a Muslim country too. My religion is not my culture, and vice versa.

When non-Muslims tell me that a woman is disrespected in Islam, i sigh in exasperation. The examples frequently cited to me almost always consist of women living in Saudi Arabia. Last May, i took a trip to Perth and it was my first time travelling on my own. Upon arrival at the airport and while waiting for my luggage to come out, the couple who were standing next to me began a small argument, which escalated into quite a loud fight, thanks to the husband's uncontrollable anger. He frequently called his wife stupid, lazy and an idiot - they were white Australians. Is it fair for me to say that all Australians are disrespectful of their wives too, now? If you are going to tell me that Islam teaches its men to disrespect their women, i would like to remind you to give me instances that goes BEYOND the boundaries of Saudi Arabia. Have you seen any Muslim woman in Malaysia, or Singapore, or the United Kingdom, or New York walking two steps behind her husband, as a teacher of mine tried to argue with me once? Screw that, i spent almost a month in Saudi Arabia in 2009 for my Hajj, and i didn't even see this happening over there.

/off tangent but slightly related to the topic

What saddens me the most though, is that a few people in the same Iraqi immigrant community in Peoria agree with what Mr Al-Maleki did. One of the argues that Mr Al-Maleki did the "right thing" because Noor was a bad girl, a "bad Muslim", and that "our religion does not allow us to do what Noor did". Ironically, Mr Al-Maleki himself was a frequent gambler who refused to go to the mosque, and if i recall correctly, Islam prohibits us from gambling, in addition to murdering our own daughter in cold blood.

I want to leave.

2011-07-31T23:14:00.000-07:00

I tried writing a really eloquent and insightful post into what i have been thinking about lately, but i am too distraught and blue to think of sentences to actually make that post sound somewhat readable and "deep" (lol) so, um, here you go instead.

Post on Norway attacks.

2011-07-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

By today, i am sure that all of us are aware of the events that have happened in Norway. If you follow me on my Twitter account, i am also sure that you will notice that my Tweets the past two days have been mostly nothing but updates on the attacks, from the minute it unraveled all the way to yesterday night, when i watched Jens Stoltenberg, the Prime Minister of Norway, answer the questions of many reporters outside of a hotel in Sundvollen.

For those of you still unaware (no excuses!), Norway was attacked through a bomb, which exploded outside of government building in central Oslo, and followed by the shooting of 560 kids at a summer camp on the island of Utøya. The death toll from both these attacks are currently at 92, with the larger percentage of the dead being the teenagers who were at Utøya, attending the camp.

I certainly don't fancy myself as an expert criminologist or anything of the sort, but i have read and studied many, many spree shootings that have happened on this planet, and the destruction caused by Anders Behring Breivik does not compare to any other shooting in history. Throwing aside the bomb and focusing solely on the shooting itself, one wonders how Breivik managed to kill close to 90 teenagers all by himself. As the newscaster on BBC said yesterday, "...extremely sophisticated attack. Very, very well planned and executed." - well executed, i think, are the key words here. And of course, all of us are wondering why, or what drove him to commit such a vile act of terrorism against his own countrymen. Many reports state him as being affiliated to extremist right-wing Christian groups, anti-Islam and anti-multiculturalism. I myself have read three or four of his writings which he posted on the Internet. The guy's an eloquent and well-researched writer, i'll give him that. But no matter how many of his essays you read, or how many answers from him we get, we'll never truly understand what went on his mind as he pulled the trigger against these unarmed, helpless teenagers on that island. Why kill them? Why not the Muslims, if he was so against us? Mysteries all around.

On the night that these attacks happened, my fingers and eyes were busy refreshing and reading CNN and BBC articles as well as the trending topic "Utøya" on Twitter. Without a doubt, i was drawn to the comments section of the developing news article on CNN, and unsurprisingly, many were quick to point their fingers towards "those Muslim pigs", and "that Islam nonsense", and, well, you get the idea. To be frank, before i was convinced that the bombing and Utøya shooting were connected to each other, i just thought it was an extremely, extremely horrible day for Norway. Not once did i think that the gunman on Utøya island was a Muslim affiliated terrorist at all because a spree shooting is not characteristic of a terrorist attack - of an Al-Qaeda attack (if we must). The bomb however, was skeptical and could've passed for the act of an international terrorist group, but all i know was that i was hoping so hard to God that it wasn't related to Islam at all.

I think i had a purpose of writing this post but somewhere along the way, it got lost. I really don't know what else to say about the Norway attacks because i don't know what else to think about it. My dad keeps saying that they will find a way to twist this attack to deflect some of the blame onto the Muslim community but after what happened in Oslo and Utøya, it's not so easy to just jump to conclusions anymore. Stereotypes are a difficult thing. On one hand, i understand why they exist, but on the other, there are just as equally as many stereotype-defying people of a certain community as the ones that do fit the stereotype. Watching Prime Minister Stoltenberg on my television last night though, i have hope that Norway will prove my dad wrong. His responses to the many questions asked were gentle and kind; something i rarely see from heads of government or ministers or people in charge of nations. Certainly, not anything i'm used to in Malaysia. The whole world stands behind you, Norway. Even the Muslims - especially this Muslim.

"If one man alone can show so much hate, imagine all the love and humanity a whole nation can give." - Jens Stoltenberg, Prime Minister of Norway.

Continuation of the blurb.

2011-07-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

As my first semester as a freshman in university comes to a close, the one lesson that i've learnt is that i took Sri Aman for granted. I know my teachers who read this blog, and possibly my friends too, will tell me that there were many, many instances whereby i criticized certain things and certain aspects of the school. I remember it myself, but as stated in the previous post, the more time i spend here, the more i realize how much better Sri Aman and its students are, despite it being only a high school while INTI is a university.

Sri Aman taught me a lot of things. My journey of self-discovery began at that school. I honed my talents and my skills in that institution. And in fact, this isn't just about me, but so many other Sri Amanians went through the same processes that i did. The process of learning and discovering and perfecting ourselves until we all became the young ladies that we are today, and i know that Sri Aman will always be a big part of the woman whom i will become.

The PRS gatherings i sat through, the ones i helped organize from the tender age of 13 until i was 16 (Form Fives weren't really required to do any Gathering planning, teehee) were all of a much higher quality than the one AUP Club Gathering Night that i attended two weeks ago. I am not undermining the authority or the ability of my INTI seniors, but this is a fact. I was chairperson of 2009's PRS Gathering, and we managed the biggest turnout out of all the years i was in PRS, and we also managed to keep them interested enough to stay until the end of the event. Such a different case it was for the AUP Club Gathering Night, as more than half of the attendees disappeared by the second half of the event.

Another thing that i appreciate about Sri Aman is how everyone cooperated with each other, regardless of how we personally felt about one another. Ideas and constructive criticism were welcomed and weighed in accordance, no matter senior or junior, but here? Shot down like a crow in Bangsar. It frustrates me because encouragement was given for us to come up with suggestions on how to further better future events but every single thing anyone of us put out on the table was met with a negative response. Maybe it is because we were all just first or second semester students with "no exposure" to organizing events? I am unsure. But what i do know is, i kept reflecting back to the past gatherings i had worked on during my tenure as a Sri Amanian, and i find that it failed, far and beyond, in comparison to my PRS ones.

I find it hard to fit in here because, aside from the majority of the students being Chinese and ONLY conversing in Chinese 90% of the time, they are all also quite cliquey with each other. To add salt to the wound, the handful of Malays that i have seen around and about here are extremely unfriendly (God knows why) and often times, i find my attempts at friendship shot down with an eye roll or disapproving look. And then i think of the 5 years i spent in Sri Aman and how everyone knew everyone and it was just, really, a big family, even with the teachers.

( The previous paragraph has no relation to why Sri Amanians are of world class calibre compared to INTI students because it isn't fair to compare the people here and the people in Sri Aman as i spent a good majority of my life in that high school whereas i am only just starting out here. Perhaps, with time, i will find myself easing into the crowd here, although admittedly, i do find it hard to believe because of the reasons stated above, but again, in all fairness, this is a university and i can't expect it to offer the same homeliness as Sri Aman would, because i suppose it is the same in any university, any where. At least i am not in UiTM, where i would be persecuted, judged and vilified for speaking English, and in the way that i do, as reported by my friends who are there right now. Pros and cons, pros and cons. )

Sri Aman, you were not a perfect school by any means, and i still hold a lot of resentment towards you for a lot of things but i would be a liar if i didn't acknowledge the great role you played in shaping the person that i am today, and in shaping the person that i will become in many years.

To sum up the lessons that Sri Aman, its teachers and its students have taught me over the last 5 years: Never settle for less, and never settle for just alright; Sri Amanians do it bigger and the best.

Blurb.

2011-07-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

Sri Amanians are truly of world class calibre and i'm not saying that because i am biased, but the more time i spend at INTI, the more i realize it.

Of new beginnings.

2011-06-18T05:43:00.001-07:00

It has been one hell of a week.

The major developments of my life thus far would be.... Latifah Azlan is a future engineer, no more! That's right, my father and i have discussed things through and we've gained a better understanding of each other, so it has been decided that i will be switching majors to International Relations come the second semester. Relieved? Of course. Elated? Understatement. Eager? Most definitely.

So, the Baby (Iman) left the 5 of us last week to begin her new life at Nashville, Tennessee. Truthfully, we have all been privately coping in our ways, i believe. For example, as the Mama of the Six (Zraa) told me a few nights after the Baby's departure, she had been watching Grey's Anatomy non stop and crying her eyes out, only to realize that it wasn't the show making her bawl but realizing how much she missed her Baby.

As for me, i'm realizing how much i hate separation. It's silly, i know, because Tennessee is only 24 hours away by flight, but the thought of being left behind by someone i deeply, deeply care for and love is traumatizing to me. I know that my turn will come soon, and i realize that leaving is a very much natural occurrence in life as death is but this knowledge doesn't make it any less painful for me to bear. Emotional attachment is a dangerous thing; i suggest you stay as far away and avoid getting in too deep like i have.

But, on a more positive note, i do wish Iman all the best for whatever it is she'll be facing in Nashville, and yes, i am very excited for her. From what she's been Tweeting me, Nashville seems like a very pleasant place to be. The girl deserves to be there, this isn't a secret, and everyone knows that she'll be just fine there. I can't wait for our biiiig American slumber party!

Everything about this quote.

2011-06-11T03:42:00.000-07:00

“The entire world seems to want to leave. Everywhere I’ve ever been, when you ask what’s cool there, the response is, “Nothing; this place sucks. I can’t wait to get out.” But, if everywhere sucks, where are you going, and why? I feel like a lot of people around here are without goals. They don’t know where they want to go or what they want to know. They just know they don’t want to be here, and they don’t want to do this. It’s a pointless cycle. I’ve grown up in this town my whole life. I watched a lot of people die here. I mean, they’re still technically alive, but they’re practically dead. They don’t have anything that they want to be anymore. A lot of people hate a lot of places, but it’s not enough to just run away from them. You need to figure out what you love and what you don’t, and place yourself in this world according to that, or you’re going to end up miserable no matter what city you’re in.”

- Soupy Campbell.

The biggest sin of all.

2011-06-06T03:42:00.000-07:00

I don't like Maths. It's as simple as that. And yes, it's because of my lack of interest that i don't put my full heart into studying this subject, but i've also never been good with numbers. This is another simple fact. Please spare me your lecture of practice makes perfect because contrary to popular belief, i DO try to improve myself at Maths but my strength just does not lie in numbers, and that's the way it is.

I am struggling right now in my Calculus class, or at least starting to. It is hard without Poh Lian by my side and Mel behind me, but i am thankful that my college friends are just as generous at lending a helping hand as my high school friends were. It's not the same though. I can't quite explain how or why, but it just isn't. I am no longer envious of those who excel in this subject, but i still feel like my life would be easier if i were to be as good as them because currently, all i'm worried about is having to repeat Calculus I next semester, which seems to be a likely reality for me.

My dad says that i am closed-minded, but i strongly disagree. Just because i know where my strengths and weaknesses lie does not mean that i am closed minded. I'm just self aware, and i am aware that my self is not a Maths person. I wish i could tell him this, i wish he would understand but unfortunately, it might just lead to arguments and i'm getting tired of being called narrow so i'll just let my results do the talking. It's gotten to the point where i almost feel like deliberately failing these papers just to show him that i am right but i won't go that far. Being the me that i am, i'll probably go through the struggle just to keep him happy.

Maths makes me tired in my head and in my heart.

Edit: Unless something changes, i would like to say that a lot of my posts will probably have the same tone as this one and i would like to apologize in advance if you might find them to be a bit boring but to be frank, there is almost always one thing occupying my mind and troubling me nowadays, and that is how trapped i feel in having to live out someone else's dreams.

Two things.

2011-06-05T04:25:00.000-07:00

"In 2010, a study by a Muslim activist group found men in polygamous relationships find it difficult to meet the needs of all their wives and children, and that the result is often unhappy and cash strapped families." - taken from an article on MSN about The Obedient Wives Club.

To say that i got extremely upset when i read this would be an understatement. It actually felt more like my head was going to explode in Krakatoan proportions. First of all, this culture, practice and habit of blaming women for everything that goes wrong in society needs to be stopped. It needs to end. I am sick of being blamed for unhappy marriages, i am sick of being blamed for societal ills, i am sick of being blamed for everything that goes wrong in this world when men are just as much at fault as we are. Yes, polygamy is not prohibited in Islam and it is permissible for a man to take up to 4 wives at a time. But men being men, choosing to think with their penises and sex drives refuse to acknowledge the fine print which also clearly states that polygamy is allowed if and only if a man is able to perform his duties as a husband and father with equal fairness to all of his wives and children. In stating this, i would also like to add that being able here includes but is not limited to the financial, emotional, physical, spiritual and mental aspects. And then there are the men who go behind their wives' backs to practice polygamy.

Of course, truckloads of men are lauding and loving the formation of this club because it gives them more reasons to be abusive, manipulative and unfair towards their women.

To be honest, i really wanted to say a lot more than this regarding this... "club" but i'm tired, and i can't be bothered because i have enough stupid people i need to deal with on a daily basis without adding them to the list so just watch me form the Men Are Pigs club, followed by the If You Join The Obedient Wives Club, You're A Fucking Idiot club and pee on everything that you love.

- We live in a society that teaches us "Don't Get Raped" instead of "Don't Rape."

Hello darkness, my old friend.

2011-06-04T04:16:00.000-07:00

It has been an awfully long time.

Since i stopped blogging on this account, i have become increasingly emotionally reclusive, and i feel that that has caused my blogging ability to decrease by a great margin. A lot of things have happened since the last time i updated - things that have strained me emotionally and mentally and things that have caused me to be very wary of ever opening myself up that wide to other people. Looking back at my older posts, i noticed that i did write a paragraph or two here and there hinting at these incidents and i don't intend to ever bring them out to light ever again but i have to say that everything that has happened to me in the past year or so has shattered me and caused me to rebuild and retain certain parts of myself and as a result, i've changed into a different person. Some people say i've changed for the better, some people say i've changed for the worst. It doesn't matter because i've kept moving forward and i'm on a new journey now. An actual journey of self discovery, different but just as painful as the previous one.

Blogging about my problems and thoughts, though discreetly, has always been a sort of escape for me. I've never ever been one to talk to people directly when i am hurting and i remember when i used to frequently blog here, the feeling of weightlessness that i got after i pressed "Publish Post" was always relieving.

I think it's time i let myself feel that light again.

Let's spread love.

2010-10-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

This week, the Internet has been peppered with reports of deaths by suicide. What's heartbreaking about these suicides are the fact that they were all committed by teenage boys of ages as young as 13 all the way up to 19 , and they were all reportedly victims of years of anti-gay bullying.

I have completely no idea what these boys went through in their lives. I'm not gay, nor have i ever been so i can't fathom the abuse that they went through at all. One of the boys who passed, Tyler Clementi, jumped off a bridge when a secretly filmed video of him engaging in sexual acts with another boy was posted on the Internet for the entire world to see. His body hasn't been recovered, and Clementi was only 19 years old. Now, gay or straight, that is just an absolutely despicable thing to do to anyone, let alone someone who is trying to fit in in a world where he will constantly be judged more than others. To secretly film someone having sex is one thing, but to broadcast it over the INTERNET? That is just vile, and whoever did it should be prosecuted for murder amongst other things.

I agree that all religion condemn homosexuality and consider it to be one of the biggest sins, but no religion advocates hate either. Even if you don't support or believe in the lifestyle of these gay men and women, please please please do not project your hate towards them and vilify them for being what they are. It might be a choice, or they might just be born the way they are, but it doesn't detract from the fact that they are still human beings, and nobody in this world deserves to be treated like they are beneath others, or bullied to the extent of suicide.

Especially not children, teenagers and kids who are just starting off on their journey of life in this big, big world, and who are trying to figure out themselves and their place on this planet - not those who haven't even lived yet.

To whom it may concern.

2010-09-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

This post will consist of immaturity, two faced ness and unnecessary drama, courtesy of my "friends". I tried to make this as eloquent and as rational as possible, so i sincerely hope that this is read by people, and more specifically, by the people that i am talking about in this post.

If there is one thing in this world that i can't stand the most, it would be people who create unnecessary drama. I believe in a word called honesty, and i live by that word. If i have a problem with you, i will tell you what it is. I find it completely stupid and absolutely immature to act as if the other person is supposed to know why i'm upset at them in the first place if they clearly don't. However, some people don't believe in this, and they would much rather think that the other party is psychic or a mind reader. That's cool for you, but it is downright ridiculous for everyone else because it creates such unnecessary drama which shouldn't even transpire in the first place. If i have no clue what i did to upset you, how do you expect me to come to you and apologize for my mistakes?

It is one thing to assume that i know what goes on in that overinflated head of yours, but it is another to treat me like i am completely non-existant. It is also another thing to let your pride and ego get in your way of forgiveness when i have tried to make do and mend eventhough i still don't know what the fuck is up with you. I've had the decency to realize that i probably might have caused something in you to be so hateful towards me, and therefore i manned up and tried to approach you to put all of this stupidity behind us. However, you ignored me. Therefore, i can't do anything to help you and your anger any further. In fact, i'm not even going to bother now, because i'm doing my best, and i'm doing my part. So don't you bitch me about me when you yourself know that i did what i could, but you chose not to accept it which makes me not at fault anymore.

It is also one more thing to tell someone that you are sick and tired and annoyed of being friends with me, invite me to a dinner party at your house a few weeks later, and get upset at me for not showing up. Maybe you should realize that in the first place, why should/would i oblige your invitation when a few weeks earlier, you've openly declared your dislike towards me, and when a few weeks earlier, you've openly shown me that you don't want me around. You know that day when i came down for recess and the two of you saw me approaching our usual table and without missing a beat, you rolled your eyes, pulled a face of disgust and moved to a different spot? Help me understand something here; you very obviously do not want me around nor do you want to be around me, but you get angry when i make your lives easier by hanging out with my classmates during recess instead of you guys? Your logic is an avalanche of complete failure.

Alright, so the two of you very clearly have a problem with me. I can't decide which one is lamer though; the one whose ego is so huge that she can't even nut up and just tell me what the problem is, or the one who can't decide which of her two faces to wear. So i guess the both of you are the same level of retardation and childishness. We're 17 fucking years old and about to leave school in less than 3 months and you are creating such irrelevant drama and surrounding yourselves with such bad energy that it is nothing less of hella fucking pathetic. Just because we're in high school and your favorite tv show is Gossip Girl doesn't mean that your life has to be like that too. You going around, rolling your eyes at me and making it so obvious that you're cutting me out of your life isn't affecting anyone but your own selves. In case you haven't noticed, i'm not bothered by this sudden display of discontempt towards me and you want to know why? Because i know i am bigger than all your petty bullshit. If your life gets that much harder when you see my face then hey, i'll make it easier for you to breathe. Hence my move to my classmates during recess instead of hanging out with you guys. But of course, once you hate someone with no completely legit reason, nothing they do will ever satisfy you so you give me snide looks when you think i'm not looking. And i wasn't! It's just that you were sitting at the table next to me, and i could feel your negative self from a mile away. It really isn't attractive on anyone, much less a girl, trust me.

Alright, i admit that maybe sometimes i am a hard headed bitch with strong opinions, and i truly apologize if i ever did say or type or write or done something that might have offended you. My temper is horrible, i will be the first to admit, and i rarely filter anything i say whether it be good or bad but at least i am straight up and honest about it unlike you guys. But hey, keep doing what you're doing for whatever reason and however long you want, just don't expect me to come groveling to you for forgiveness when i don't even know what i'm supposed to be forgiven for. And certainly do not pretend to be my friend when you clearly don't want to be. Guts; you should get some. Grow a pair of cajones and be a man. Act your fucking age and not your shoe size.

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Speed of light!

2010-08-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

Imagine my surprise when i was told that in approximately a week, school will be over for 2 weeks. Where, really, did the time go? I've planned out my holidays to revolve around nothing but good food, good people and good (revision) books, considering how trials will be directly after that nice little break i've been hoping for ever since the last one ended.

Unlike the previous 2 years, i am actually anxious and anticipating Eid this year, both in a good way and in a bad way. One thing i am definitely NOT looking forward to is the endless string of "How are your SPM preparations going on?" and "Dah ready ke belum?" questions about to be flung in my face from anyone and everyone who knows that i will be sitting for the aforementioned exam in November. Things i am looking forward to? Like i said, good food and good people. Brings me back the memories of my PMR year... ah, the nostalgia.

Also, i have found a short term goal to work for which has given me that extra oomph and motivation that i have been lacking (as mentioned in my back-from-hiatus post) for the past few months. It is called the No Sleep Til Tour, and it will be taking place in Australia from the 12th of December to the 19th. What is it? Well, basically a tour of bands, headlined by Megadeth and joined by others such as NOFX, Suicide Silence, Parkway Drive, and - the kickers who compelled me to want to go in the first place - August Burns Red, We Came As Romans and A Day To Remember on selected dates. Sooooo yeah, that's basically it. It's a tad unrealistic for me to be believing that i am absolutely going to be attending this considering how i've been faring lately and how strict my father is but like i said, it'll be my short term goal for trials. As for the date i am angling for, that will be the 17th of December, where the tour will be in Melbourne and ADTR will be playing on that date as well, which is too convenient as i will finish my last paper on the 16th.

Fingers crossed!

PS: My blog without vulgarities seem so... naked.

Living saints

2010-08-21T21:35:00.001-07:00

Fuck. I'm not supposed to be crying about the same thing over and over again but i admit... somedays, it gets so hard.

It's so astounding how fast things change, isn't it? For the first 4, i went down a certain path on my own. Then, some companions joined me. It was a lot of fun. We talked, we joked, we laughed, we cried together, we held each other when we were down and we had each other's backs. A year later, i am still walking down the same path, but alone this time. The ones you expect to be there with you until your dying days.. well, i wouldn't say they jumped ship, but they moved on for sure.

Desperately wishing for things to return to normal, no matter how naive that makes me. Why? It was the only thing i ever knew for the longest, longest time, and as pathetic as this makes me sound... i feel really helpless without it, right now. Literally, i have nothing to look forward to anymore. Somedays i make it fine, but most days, i tend to break down - in the shower, at midnight under the covers, listening to certain songs doing my homework, seeing other people happy.

I never pictured this, disperse in fall and don't reminisce.

See, it's just not fair... not everyone's moved on.

All's fair.

2010-08-20T05:51:00.001-07:00

You know what's kind of, thigh slapping funny? When i used to loveeee~ Attack Attack! to bits, hahahaha. I am so over that shit now, but i respect you greatly if you still dig them, no worries there. I mean, i like Justin Bieber sometimes, so we're even, you know?

Lionheart.

2010-08-19T03:19:00.001-07:00

Alright, what have i been up to for the past 8 months? To be honest, i don't quite know myself. Time flies by so fast, i didn't get a chance to catch up with myself. Did that make sense?

Well, firstly there's school. Been busy with SPM, obviously, but i'd be lying if i said all of my free time has been spent studying and burying myself in my books - i haven't. Trials are in about a month, and truthfully i am nothing less of scared shitless. Mostly though, i am discouraged, simply put. I don't feel like i have the drive and motivation to do anything for myself regarding this and that worries me. I have so many dreams for myself, but a lot of things that has been happening, and a lot of things that i've been told by people who i actually look(ed) up to have left me in doubt. I'm kind of on a fence here. It's hard to keep going when the going gets tough, but that's just what we have to do in life. As Set Your Goals put it, "Life is about doing, the process and not the result. Life is about doing, whether you want to or not.", and that is exactly what i keep in mind everyday.

Ironically though, the most consistent compliment i've gotten this year is about how strong of a person i am, and how i don't realize it.

My heart has been broken pretty badly, which i must admit, affected me for quite a while. In fact, it's still affecting me, but most days, i just choose to surround myself with posi music so i don't have to think about that. Won't go into details, but let's just say i've been an internal massacre of Nanking proportions.

Nothing much really. That's just how dull life is right now, and has been for the past 8 months.

Thoughts?

2010-08-19T03:08:00.001-07:00

So i'm thinking of resurrecting this blog.

An announcement.

2009-12-07T00:13:00.001-08:00

I've always thought that i'd stick with this blog until i grew old, recording my life as it happens day by day and having people read it, maybe even relate to it. To be honest, that was maybe even sort of like a dream to me, to stick with this blog until i grew old and use it to look back on my youth and whatnot. That would've been great.

However, due to some extra attention this blog has received from parents (hi dad), family members (hi uncle), teachers (hi teachers) and friends and schoolmates alike (hi you guys), i have decided that this blog can no longer be used to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences and days with you anymore because i no longer have the freedom of candidly writing down anything i want to without having people using it against me.

Crabcore is now on an indefinite hiatus. Maybe i'll update it once in a while, maybe not, we'll see. But for now, this blog is now dead. Sorry to disappoint, if i did, but i think this has to be done. I have plenty of other secret blogs around the World Wide Web to use as outlets anyway.

Maybe it's better that my life online is kept a secret from everyone i know in real life. My blogs, except maybe Mei & You and my Facebook blog, are now officially off limits to everyone i know in real life. Bye.

I leave you with this song, only cause i'm listening to it right now.

Hallelujah.

2009-11-01T06:14:00.001-08:00

Long overdue, i know. But it's here, and as they say; it's better late than never! So deal.

Well, to summarize what i've been up to ever since Finals ended, i would say i've been wasting away. Yup, that sounds about right, because in addition to the necessary daily Tumblr and Twitter and MSN, i've been spending ample time in front of the television watching DVD box sets of various tv shows, including but not limited to The Office and Mind Your Language. Fucking dandy eh?

I don't know. I don't really have much to say except that i am really loving where i am, and who i'm with in life right now.

Blogging mojo is gone man. Bye.

Sleep deprived me is sleep deprived.

2009-10-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

Finals have been sucking the life out of me, and i haven't slept in three days -literally. When the fuck did i become so hardworking? I know! Ever since i discovered that studying with music on actually does work, and ever since i have people to talk to at awkward times of the day like Sandra, because she stays up with me and we study together. Friends are the best, no?
With that said, it doesn't mean i'll ace my papers. Chemistry is a sure goner :) like, i'm not even going to be sad about it because i know, that paper's dead and buried. So thanks Puan Halimaton, i really appreciate the wake up call. What else? Physics... it was okay. Honestly, i didn't find it to be as hard as everyone made it out to be. See why i say studying with music works? I stayed up to study Physics, listening to Gallows and Miss May I and Sublime, while for Chemistry, it was pure silence.
I've also proven to myself that i DO have self discipline. As in, i haven't been reblogging the shit out of Tumblr, yay!
Falling harder and harder in love everyday, lalalala~. Okay honestly though, if you were in my position, you'd understand why i am actually using the word love her, because it is love. And no, don't tell me that i don't know what love is because i know what i feel okay bruh? Let's hug it out.
UUUUM what else? OH YA. Jam got married! And eventhough i haven't watched the wedding (or the seasons before the wedding, after 3, lolol ), i've been liking and reblogging and crying over every Jam picture on Tumblr, like, idek. YUSSSS I'M FUCKING EMOTIONAL. Abel said i'd cry if i watched the episode, pfff. He's right though, lol.
Adrina and i have come up with some kickass after exams plans which will totally own your face. The best part is, we are totally making full use of Tharma in our devious little plans HAHAHAHA. I have the bestest best friend in the whole world, ngl.
I lost weight, lmao. Greaaat.
My Love by Craig Owens is on constant repeat. Disappointing album but i really love My Love, Big Apple Big Heart and All Based On A Storyline. A couple other songs that have been on constant repeat lately would be AWOL by Broadway, Witness by Blessthefall, Assistant To The Regional Manager by TDWP, alot of Sublime (awesome abfasfas study music), Whisperer by VersaEmerge aaaand Lilac Wine by Jeff Buckley.
Now that my bed has been engulfed in text books, revision books, test pads, post its and random pieces of paper filled with notes, i've been sleeping on the couch directly opposite to my bed. It's a little small and i have to bend my legs to fit in so it gets a little uncomfortable, but i have my ways on how to make it better HIHIHIHIHI.
Followed Shaq on Twitter yesterday. Best decision i've made this week HAHAHAHA. Seriously!
Craig Owens' website is no more SJABFKJABSFKJABSFKJBA :(
I am really loving life right now. Das ist alles. Bye.

Trace horse the race horse.

2009-10-03T22:33:00.000-07:00

HAHAHBSAHJBDHJSABHFBSDAHJBFHJASDBHJBDSAH

HYPERVENTILATING.

I should be at that wedding.

2009-10-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

Hi blog. I received a very kind comment from Briana, on one of my posts regarding Craig, and i would just like to say, thank you for understanding.

Now on to other things. Finals are in two days and i am still studying. Actually, i have to say, i've been studying hard, only sleeping an average of 2 hours a night, but sadly, i can just feel everything not going into my head. Why oh why... i hope my hard work pays off. I've been listening to Broadway, Craig Owens's solo EP and Asking Alexandria alot, in between reading my revision books, to chill out.

Idk. What else do you want me to say? I want a Jim Halpert.. life would be perfect if i found one.

Like i totally didn't watch this a bajillion times in a row :)

Fina-fucking-ly. ♥

Abel, you better not forget to watch this on Thursday or i'll kill you.

Ragetoon.

2009-10-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

CALM YOUR MOTHER EFFING TITS DOWN BRO.

Sheesh.

Heartbreak heartbreak heartbreak.

2009-09-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

As if i couldn't be even more broken hearted about this situation.. this video appears in my life.

Two things that upset me was one, how the band themselves didn't even have the guts to tell him that they decided to fire him as their frontman, and two, the fact that he might stop making music.

Oh God no no no no no.

This video is ten times sadder when you watch it and think of the words to Big Apple Big Heart.

Look at him. Listen to him. Tell me he's not hurt and heartbroken over what has happened :(

Please Craig, don't stop making music. I would self destruct.

There's nowhere left to go but up from here.

2009-09-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Okay fuuuuuuuuck it.

I'm not going to be embarrassed to admit it.

The night i found out about Craig being kicked out of Chiodos, i was numb.

I really didn't know what to feel or how to react, so i bounced through moods.

I was sad one second, angry the next, heartbroken all over.

The next day, my uncle and his family flew off to Oman.

I lost my closest companion in this family -a 2 year old boy.

And i felt empty.

The next day, as i was waiting in line at the clinic, it finally hit me:

the most important band in my life is falling apart, and my favorite kid in the family was gone.

I was still numb but it was beginning to have its effect on me.

That night, while listening to The Undertaker's Thirst while doing my History notes, i finally broke down.

I just couldn't stop my tears from flowing out. And flow out they did, like a waterfall. God i must've looked ugly.

Combine that heartbreak, with the heartbreak of my uncle moving, with the heartbreak of a bitchy self esteem

and i just couldn't take it anymore.

Tonight, it happened again, except my self esteem and my uncle moving away had no part in tonight's breakdown.

Tonight, it was solely and purely because of Chiodos. And everything that has happened.

This band has been the only thing there for me every single fucking time i felt depressed. They were MY constant.

And when your constant falls apart... you can't help but follow lead. Chiodos is falling apart, and in effect, so am i.

In love with ego and intention.

2009-09-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

WARNING: MELODRAMATIC POST COMING. BRACE FOR IMPACT.

So my world has come crashing down. Like, a glass bowl being thrown from the top of the Empire State Building, crash. I really don't know how to react because one second i am angry but the next i just want to cry it out. To sum it up in one word, i'm basically fucking heartbroken.

"To all of our friends, family, and fans: We would like to let you know that we have let Craig Owens go as the singer of Chiodos. This decision was a necessary one. Out of respect for all of the hard work that we have put in together for all of these years we will not be discussing the specific reasons that this needed to happen. We wish Craig well . We will absolutely be continuing on as a band and we will keep you informed as this next chapter unfolds. Chiodos fans are the best fans in the world and all we can ask of you, after everything you have already given us, is to share in our excitement for this next album. We promise you will not be disappointed............Brad, Jason, Pat, and Matt"

UM EXCUSE ME?! I already am so disappointed in this decision. The fact that the whole statement screams "THIS WENT DOWN BITTERLY!" makes me even more sad. I can't understand why this would happen at all. Maybe Craig had too many things and side projects to work on that he wasn't able to give Chiodos his full attention? That's the best explanation i can come up with. Whatever it is, i'm devastated. And i could just cry my heart out, the way i do listening to Intensity In Ten Cities or A Letter From Janelle.

Okay, first of all, this band is THE biggest, most important band in my life. Chiodos, you guys, as in the full original lineup, was supposed to be my first ever show. Truthfully, the only band i ever cared for going to a show of theirs in the future would be Chiodos. Other bands i might love, but i didn't really mind at the thought of not being able to see them live. BUT NOT CHIODOS. NOT THEM. Even my mother approved of my intentions of seeing them live. Obviously, my dream has been shattered. I can still go and see them live, but without Craig (and Derrick for that matter), it won't be the same.. at fucking all.

Who's going to take his place in the band now? I can guarantee that whoever it is, you won't have the same impact Craig had on me. I'm sorry but that's just the truth. I can honestly say that every single time i listen to Intensity, my heart breaks and the tears just come flowing out. No joke, no lie. I depend on this band a lot. And whoever it is that will be replacing Craig... i am so sorry but i just can't see you having the same effect Craig had on me.

To Craig, i am so sorry to say this as well but your solo work wasn't something i expected. I loved it, of course but i mean, it's not the same! You and Chiodos you know what i mean? First band to ever make me feel like this. And what's going to happen to your side projects with other Chiodos members like I&G and CinSun? I love CinSun :(

I don't want to take sides in this situation at all but i honestly can't foresee Chiodos doing as well as they are now without Craig, and eventhough a lot of people look up to Craig the way i do, and a lot of people will continue to support him in the future like i will, i just don't think it will be the same at all. AT FUCKING ALL. No way. Craig's solo stuff was good, but Chiodos was electric for me. They really meant a lot to me and this news just fucking sucks. It just sucks.

2009 is such a shitty year for music. How many bands broke up and how many left or got kicked out, endless. Oceana, Akissforjersey, Ant from VersaEmerge, Chris from Vanna, Derrick and Craig from Chiodos, Jerry from Sky Eats Airplane, Curtis from BMTH.. and i don't even listen to BMTH but i know how many people were upset over it and how many felt it wasn't the same after he left. This is how it is.

They were working on a new record. I was supposed to go see them live.

I'm just so fucking heartbroken.

Edit: Okay, i understand how some of you might not be able to grasp at the fact that i am so affected by this news. In fact, nobody will understand how important this band is to me unless they become me for a day. But please, could you be a little sensitive to my feelings? Don't tell me things like, "Oh, chill out Lat, it's not a big deal. He didn't die." because i don't want to hear it because it IS a big deal to me, jackhole. I mean, if you knew anything about me, you would know how big Chiodos is to me -not just Craig, but Chiodos themselves, and that includes Pat, Jason, Matt, Brad and Derrick. I have had no problems listening to you tell me about YOUR heartbreaks and devastation without putting you down or telling you to "chill out" because i understand that to you, that is a huge thing so as my friend, i only expect you to do the same to me. If you don't understand how i can be so upset at this, fine, but don't tell me that i am making a big deal out of nothing because this is a huge something to me. You get what i am trying to say?

Eat shit and die.

2009-09-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

URSHER.

According to their twitters, both Jonny fucking Craig and Craigery Owens are going to cover Usher songs. HAHA WOW. Craig, do Yeah. Jonny, do something soulful like Burn or something.

Fuck i can't believe i still remember Usher's songs asjbfjsbjhdbahadbfg. I'm so bloody cool 8D

Open arms to damnation.

2009-09-22T08:32:00.000-07:00

OH ALRIGHT maybe i was a little too harsh on that last post. Jidiotic school is not jidiotic. I just think all that money that's going to go into that swimming pool would be better off used for other things, like saaaaaay... upgrading the computer labs? The internet connection around the school? The actual computers themselves? Ikno ukno what i mean.

Currently playing: Amazing Because It Is by The Almost. Pretty song is pretty.

Anyway, Eid has been good so far, aside from the fact that i keep failing to study. OY VEY. First day was spent in Melaka, as usual while we made a day trip back to Johor on the second day. I lovelovelove going to Johor, especially on the second day when the wad people come over. My kurung this year was really pretty too, i must admit, hehe. Well, that's it. Came back to KL on the morning of the third day and went through 200++ pages of Tumblr dashboard... only after 3 days of leaving, what even?

I hate the fact that i am so technologically challenged. I mean, i can't even use bittorrent for God's sake. It's such a pain because i have all these albums i want to download, but can't because Limewire is so fucking hetero like that. I only get like, 2 songs or so for all these small bands whose songs i want on my iPod, fffuuu. So sometimes, i resort to begging Zamir to send me the songs, gahahahaha. I mean, Limewire didn't even have the acoustic version of Janelle for God's sake -.- idek.

Frank Carter > Oli Sykes, just saying, nothing personal. Bye you guys, i wanna go watch Summer Heights High before i study.

The sea is the sky.

2009-09-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

Let me just come right out and say it okay?

SMK (P) SRI AMAN YOU'RE AN EFFING JIDIOT :)

I say this because you can't force someone to do something they don't want to. If my parents decide that staying at home on the night of the 30th of October is better than going to a fundraiser, then that's what they think. It doesn't mean they're stingy. They contribute to the school in a lot of different, other ways (i think, i don't really know or care). Just because you don't donate money to the school, it doesn't mean they're not committed to making the school a better place to be. And how fucking RUDE is it that some people have been specifically targeted and FORCED to go to the fundraiser just because their parents are especially affluent and have ranks?

ALTOGETHER NAO: JIDIOT SCHOOL IS JIDIOTIC.

I still strongly believe that swimming pool thing is a joke and well, for lack of a better word, propaganda. I mean, can we be realistic about this plz? In an all girls school, its students aren't even allowed to wear shorts for Phys Ed... you know what, fuck the shorts, we're not even allowed to roll up our pant legs outside of the field aaaand we're going to be having swimming lessons on school grounds? I wonder, will we all be swimming in burqas? But then again, burqas get wet too and would stick to our bodies... kind of like that rule you have about not allowing us to wear yoga/stretchy/tight gym pants riiiite? RITE UKNO.

So explain this to me plz: what swimming pool?!

I've been listening to a lot of Pearl Jam lately. So very, very good. Anyway, Finals has been moved up to the 7th of October. Insert ragetoon here. You know what? I think i'm going to name the ragetoon... Dwight. Yusss, Dwight. Because he kind of looks like Dwight from The Office HAHA.

I've been on a fudge making spree the past three days. Made a batch for Mira and another batch for Adrina. I was supposed to make a batch for Tharma but i was too tired, so Tharma, your fudge after Raya keh? KEH. And people, ask me for something OTHER than peanut butter fudge lah -.- i'm gonna make me some Russian fudge on Thursday, after shopping, hehe. I'm so good at indulging myself. I'm getting more tired of school each day. The only reason i go is to feel the rush of looking forward to going home, switching on my laptop, lying on my bed and wasting away on the Internet.

Brent Allen approved my friend request... you know what this means, Mira. When you come back to Tumblr, there'll be a Brent spam for you! YAY! :D Ikno dat ukno dat ikno dat u luhh meh.

Mm i love Isles & Glaciers. Super supergroup right thurrrr. Jonny Craig's voice gives me the chills, so soulful. But he's like THE douchebag of all douchebags HAHAHAHA ♥ i want to meet him someday and high five him. He just really doesn't give a shit. The Fall Of Troy just came on and i'm not in the mood to listen to them.. so i decided to change to Ace Enders. I downloaded new songs into my iPod two days ago! It feels freshhhh. Ohh why is Ace Enders so cute? GUH.

Bye guise. I'm gonna go and listen to Regina Spektor sing in Russian. Or Tori Amos... whichever one comes first. Goodnight.

The price we pay.

2009-09-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

HA. Instead of typing in blogspot, i've been typing in blogsecret for the past 5 minutes and getting frustrated when the same thing popped up, until i realized what i was doing wrong. Shows you how much time i spend on Tumblr! Anyway, since a couple of people have been asking me to update my blogspot, this is it, the update we've all been looking and waiting for! ..Cept not really.

Well, time really does pass us by quick. We are now at the last week of Ramadhan, and of course, 09 itself is coming to a close. Can you imagine, 2010? My last year as a high school student, a form five, and of course, that big exam at the end of the road. My life is really coming up fast, and no, it's not passing me by. Soon, i'll be off to some corner of the world (the US hopefully), pursuing my ambitions and i don't know? You want to get into falling in love, marriage and kids? Well, NGL, i can't wait for that either :D

I really like thinking about my future. There are so many things to ponder on ukno? A lot of things to think about. I admit though, sometimes, i think about it way too much, which is why someone told me the other day to learn to live in the now and not worry so much about the future. Ever since i was told that, i have done exactly as this person has advised me to and it has paid off for sure. I mean, i don't know if you've noticed but i'm not so tense anymore :P all the epic shit that has been bestowed upon me has also bloomed into lovely little flowers for me to enjoy, ladidaa~. I'm so HETERO (lol mira).

Well, what else do you want me to say? FOB's WCAD video makes me cry, NGL, especially when Petey Pete went down with the sinking ship and saluted Patrick. He looked good then too HAHA. I appreciate good looking guys, don't shoot me. Anywho, at the ending of the song, during the little montage of past FOB singles, that made me tear too, especially Brendon singing Dance, Dance -ragetoon with tears streaming down the side- WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?! Are FOB splitting up?! I mean, that's what Mira was trying to tell me, ukno, but i was like stop being silly.. not so sure now after i've watched it for myself. Only time will tell.

If FOB did split though (NO NO TOUCH WOOD), i would most positively bawl my eyes out. I mean, this is the first band that i ever felt any sort of emotional attachment to, ukno? Fall Out freaking Boy. I remember getting so excited when my dad came home from Boston with a copy of TTTYG in hand. I cherished it so much, and i still do. This was the band that paved the way for many more bands for me. If i had not heard Sugar, We're Going Down (YES i liked them when i listened to that song, got a problem?) i wouldn't have been so interested in downloading their past albums/songs and discovering many other bands along the way, like Motion City Soundtrack. I don't want FOB to split :(

Okay, if i have anything more to say, this blog will be the first to know. If you are interested, i've been listening to a lot of In Fear & Faith, Bryan Adams's Heaven, Chiodos and A Day To Remember lately, while daily logging into my Tumblr account and seeing Alex Gaskarth/HUFF HUFF HALVO/John Ohh/Gabe and other people (those seem to be the top three most Tumbled about band people, RAGETOON) on my dashboard.. so much so that i have fallen into the fangirl trap of Gaskarth/John Ohh/Gabe.. sorry Halvo, not you, not YET anyway. This post seems to be oddly written, don't you think?

MARK MY WORDS, WE'RE TAKING OVER THE WORLD.

You know you love me.

2009-08-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

As usual, the one week holiday flew by real quick. What did i spend my time doing? Sims 2, tweeting, homework and of course, the very necessary Tumblr. Yesterday night, i watched Last House On The Left with my cousin and boy! Was that a suckfest -__- i actually thought the movie was going to be like, a creepy ghost movie but it turned out to be well... i don't know what the eff it was but i didn't like it. It wasn't even scary! GAWD.

OH AND LMAO EVERYONE, GO TO WWW.TWITTER.COM/FESTISIO TO GET AN IDEA OF WHAT KIDS THESE DAYS DO ON THE INTERNET -____- KINDA REALLY FUNNY!

Oh, it's time for a cool story, bro. Anyway, two nights ago on Tumblr, i posted a picture of PStump accompanied with a few texts explaining how i loved FOB first BUT AS IN THAT FOB WAS THE FIRST SO CALLED "SCENE" BAND THAT I EVER LOVED, NOT THAT I, OUT OF 6 BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET, LOVED FOB FIRST, SO UNDERSTAND THAT PLZ, KTHX. Anyfuckingway, this bitchhead reblogged my post and started cussing me out, calling me a cunt and stuff because... well, because she apparently lost her reading skillz so she had to take it out on me? Most likely. She also proceeded to say -and this is a direct quote- that PStump is the shit and i, however, am not.

Moving on, i deleted that PStump post because i don't want to stir the pot of shit and get involved in some silly internet fight but let me just clarify something right here okay? 14-year-old Sarah, whoever the fuck you are, i never said i was the first person on Earth to love FOB. I said that FOB was the first band i ever loved, hence, "i loved them first as in they were the first "scene" band i ever loved". THERE'S A HUGE FUCKING DIFFERENCE THERE BITCH. Also, excuse me for not knowing what bands are scene and what bands aren't. I think this just shows that i have more important things to care about than scene bands and unscene bands? Why yes, yes indeed. Furthermore, since FOB is in the music scene, they are technically a scene band so HA! Eat shit bro.

...fine, that didn't make sense but whatever. I'll call FOB scene if i want to so suck my metaphorical schlong.

NEXT! If i think i should blog about how awesome FOB/PStump is, and how i think people should get off my back about that, i fucking will because guess what Sarah? MY thoughts, MY mind, MY fingers, MY blog and MY life. Get that through your head plz? KTHX. Also bitch, i never claimed to be the shit in that blogpost. No where in that paragraph did i state that "OH HELLZ YEAH YOU GUISE, LATIFAH AZLAN IS THE FUCKING SHIT CHYEAAAH!" so your argument is fucking invalid. I knoooow PStump is the shit, which is why i wrote that post in the first place? Connecting the dots? GOOD! Here's a stale cookie for you.

Finally Sarah, if you thought my post was so fucking stupid, why don't you go kill someone about it instead of blogging about it hmm? I mean, what you told me right? Exactly what you said to me when you reblogged my post, stating how people need to get off my back about me loving FOB. Soo.. why are you reblogging that again? Mhm right, i thought so.

Eat E-coli infested shit and die cunt. Have a good day. Oh yeah, sorry for the caps overload, but it was relevant to the post.

Destiny calls.

2009-08-27T21:52:00.000-07:00

LMFAO.

This blog bores me :\

Nothing personal.

2009-08-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone, let's start today's post off with another one of Tumblr's beautiful creations (or not, i don't know, but i get a lot of cool stuff from Tumblr).

That be better. Well not much to say, but let's do something different.

I tried this on Tumblr but failed miserably lmaolmao so maybe it'll work here.

You, whoever you are who is reading this, get to ask me one question -any question,

and i will answer it with as much honesty as possible. Promise.

Leave your question(s) in the Cbox and i'll either update this post or post a new post if i have a lot of questions.

So go on, ask away :]

Cool story, bro.

2009-08-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

OHAII YOU GUISE. AYE SED OHAII.

Anyway, i don't feel like putting my thoughts into words so i'll present to you my thoughts in the form of pictures and videos instead. Enjoy, a glimpse into the mind of Latifah. Viewer discretion is advised.

CRAB-EFFING-CORE HOMIES.

"I'm no James Dean, this rebellion has its cause." -OM&M.

One of the Blogsecrets i saved :)

( this is true)

LIVE TOGETHER DIE ALONE.

Beauty killer indeed.

2009-08-18T02:51:00.000-07:00

You know what i really, really hate? Like, really really? Like, really really really? People who go around claiming that (insert thing here) is theirs. For example, "Chiodos is MY band." or "German is MY language." or "Dudette is MY word." (although it's okay if you use an actual person, maybe like "Shia Labeouf is MY guy."). You wanna know why i hate those type of people? Because they're fucking stupid. That's right -i said it. You're stupid. You're gonna stop listening to a band just because someone else, someone you don't like, does? You're gonna stop speaking a language because you find it a disgrace that someone you don't like speaks it too? Wow, you're such a martyr. Now go shoot yourself with a spud gun.

I admit, the band thing, that used to be me. I used to hate the fact that some of my favorite bands were getting big and people at my school were starting to listen to them. But i guess i realised that the whole point of them forming that band in the first place was to get their music out to the masses, not just me or their "old" fans. They didn't form that band because i came to them in a dream and told them to, they didn't form that band because they wanted a handful of people to listen to their music. No, they formed that band to get their art out to the world, so you, me and everyone else who is interested in their music would enjoy what they write, do and play. Of course, the teenybopper fangirls get extra annoying but i can't deny that i was once one of those girls as well.

So grow up. It took me 2 years but i grew up, and i can enjoy the music, the language, the words and life in general better now that i don't have a huge chip on my shoulder about something so small and trivial. Seriously, it's a much better place when we all just learn how to co exist.

But because i had a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE week last week, i'm still gonna take revenge on the world and present to you with a picture that will burn your eyes as it did to mine. Enjoy >:]

OH JEFFREE STAR.

At least i know the truth now.

The Grand Coda.

2009-08-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

so, here i am again.

both of my eyes so, open wide and gleaming.

blank stares, with races running only an inch behind.

sit back and watch the pavement get closer as it aims for your face.

so step back, let me take over.

can you hear the silhouettes?

the slim and dark figures.

rising like giants out of the shadows.

they're crawling out.

they're crawling out of our skin.

here i am again.

we build ourselves, where monsters used to hide.

oh, how we celebrate the mediocrity.

my feelings crawl the walls.

they crawl the walls, and finally fall.

they finally fall.

like empires and old loves.

and we're all whores, some of us just get paid.

Tell me who sings this song, and you get a free cookie plus hug :]

AUGUST HOLIDAYS AUGUST HOLIDAYS I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU.

I've got my activities dooooown, which includes at least 2 hours of studying a day not including tuition.

So sue me, i want to do better for Finals and completely change myself before it's too late. Shouldn't you be doing the same?

>:]

OH OH OH and i am STILL seething with jealousy at Esmeralda's meet and greet session with Boys Like Girls, eventhough i'm no fan, but still! She got to meet them, one of her favorite bands, and talk to them, and Martin even hugged and kissed her too.

WHAT THE EFF WHEN IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AND THIS ONE RIGHT HURRR?! :[

You're so gorgeous ♥

No really, it's fine.

2009-08-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, Trishayy's party.. it was a freaaaaaking blast! :D And i thoroughly enjoyed myself. Heck i even danced! And i never ever dance to like, pop songs ever. But for the love of Trishayy, and also because the past few days have been really kind to me, i decided to be a sport and dance the night away. Well not literally, but i did dance :)

Well, there is school tomorrow, boo hoo. I quite enjoyed my little break. I managed to do a lot of Log questions and was online quite a fair bit too. Talked alot to Esmeralda and Abel, which is always good. Adrina didn't come online though, but i can't blame her, she's probably busy preparing for trials, God bless! Helped out Zamir with his EITS-esque song, which is quite good, to be honest. Pretty awesome weeklong break.. and i'm kind of hoping they'd re-close the school down on Wednesday, heh. I made a new friend too! His name is Chris, and he lives in Kansas. He's a pretty chill dude, quite nice, funny with bushy hair, and his best friend John looks EXACTLY like him LMAO. I got confused talking to them.

JAXIN IS A CERTIFIED QT.

Raise your hands if you know who i'm talking about.

Ho hum. Exam will be continued in a week. I probably should start studying something other than +Maths heh. Also, i need to update this blog more often!

This post is to nurse my wounded fanwhore heart... LMAOWUT?

2009-08-04T05:34:00.000-07:00

Umm Mr. Kiut I and Mr. Kiut II

STOP BEING SO FRICKIN KIUT.

So save your breath for the last time.

2009-08-04T05:16:00.000-07:00

Soo school has officially been shut down for a week due to swine flu.. OOPS i mean as a step to break the cycle of swine flu. Umm not important. THIS, is more important.

My little fanwhore heart has shattered into a bajillion pieces :(

I MEAN JEFFREE FUCKING STAR?! OUT OF ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD?!

This picture is not about Miz Cuntless Diva.

COREH Whyyyy?! :'(

VIDYOH!

2009-07-27T02:17:00.001-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JONAS BROTHERS LOL

Must've been love.

2009-07-27T02:05:00.000-07:00

Ahhh i love watching Hostage Tapes :]

I think it's pretty much safe to say that i've neglected this blog, haven't i? I'm sincerely sorry about that. I've just been preoccupied with Twitter and Tumblr -easier modes of updating the world about my daily going ons. I'll try to update this more often.

Ahh on Saturday, i went to watch Harry Potter with 8 other cousins of mine. It was an enjoyable day out. I also bought a new book, The Shining by Stephen King, which was recommended to me by a friend. Ahh i had to choose between four other books, which was a truly hard decision to make. I only had $50 with me at the time, and we all know how expensive books in Malaysia are! However, i think i am going to go back to MPH and buy that 501 More Notorious Crimes book with my dad. I looked through it and it is a definite must have.

The movie itself was okay i suppose? Actually it was disappointing, and i'm not even a fan of the books. Personally, i felt like there were too many lovey dovey, teenage love type of scenes. it got quite annoying really. The plot developments would be cut short with love sequences and yeah well, it was left hanging. Went back to my aunt's house after that after which she took her two sons and myself out for a late lunch at KFC. We talked about movies and she told me about Borat. Haha yeah, i'm the only person in the world who has not watched it yet. That was my Saturday.

My parents arrived home from Singapore on Sunday morning with a couple of goodies for their daughters. My mother bought me a gooorgeous pair of sandals and a bag. Sadly, the sandals are too big for me, and i need to poke a new hole in them so they will fit. Ahh now i HAVE to do exceptionally well for August test to make up for this early present.

Just as i had done with November 21 last year, i will do with September 15 and August 18 this year. SO EVERYONE! Mark September 15 and August 18 down in your calendars as important dates to look out for. Craig Owens and Jonny Craig's solo album drops on those two respective dates!

Stuck on Dear and the Headlights, Jonny Craig's solo stuff and Denny's! LOL :D

KSJANKJFNJKARSNFJGFNH.

2009-07-22T03:08:00.000-07:00

CRAP NIGHT THAT DRAGGED ON TO A CRAP DAY.

I am this close to breaking down and crying my heart out.

Why? I'm not telling you why. But god, it kills me.

I want to be Julie Taylor.

:'( actually, all i want is just to cry.

Bottled up like smoke.

2009-07-17T08:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, i've heard ALOT of stories of this guy being a douche,

but somehow, i can't tear myself away from that amazing, beautiful, soulful, powerful voice of his

- be it Emarosa or his solo stuff.

I can't say about DGD because i don't listen to DGD but yeah, his voice is pretty much CRAZY good.

I'm kind of excited for August 18 now.

UGH. SO GOOD! D:

aaaaand just for fun..

because we all need some sexyyy-with-3-Ys in our lives!

[ Credits to the appropriate owners/photogs ]

Leave a piece of youth.

2009-07-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

HOLY FUCK!

My most favorite song, and my most favorite tv show in one video?

I'm in.. i'm in heaven D:

Schadenfreude.

2009-07-12T08:19:00.000-07:00

ALHAMDULILLAH :']

Yesterday's joint gathering went really well, albeit the given tech problems. The school sound system really does blow balls! To Hazim and his brother, Hariz, i apologize wholeheartedly for ruining your performance by only providing 2 microphones. However, you guys still managed to work it so kudos to the both of you.

I've got like, this horrible, painful cut on my index finger as a result of sweeping and mopping too much. If you walk into the hall this Monday for assembly, and you notice how clean the hall is.. well, you know who to high five! Oh what a tiring day yesterday was, but i'd do it over and over again.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Bukit Bintang boys for agreeing to collaborate with us for this gathering, as well as helping us out before, during and after the event, especially to Calvin, Raman, Zhe Hui, Wye Lun, Amin and Hazim. It was a fun experience and truthfully, this was the best gathering we've ever hosted and of course, it couldn't have been done without your help.

Later on that day, i went out to watch Transformers 2 with my tuition teacher. Yes, you read that correctly -i watched Transformers 2 with my Chemistry/Physics tuition teacher, and i had a good time. She paid for the tickets and dinner, which i felt bad for but she refused to accept even a cent from me so i silently made a promise to get better grades for August test and of course, Finals. Thanks teacher, i had a good time, truth.

Okay, i know everyone's been gushing about how freaking awesome Transformers 2 is but frankly, i thought it was just okay. I mean, the action and explosions, the robots and of course, Shia Labeouf and Josh Duhamel were fantastic but the plot, storyline and Megan Fox was horrible and ridiculous. No fluidity at all and um, Megan can't act to save her life. At least she's hot eh boys? And Optimus Prime dying and reliving (SPOILER ALERT), and Shia dying and reliving (SPOILER ALERT) was so anticlimatic.. much like Ghost. I guess out of 10 stars, i'd give the movie about a 6.

These BR4SSC0RE kids own at life man, i swear. And Br00t4L BR4SSC0RE? You pwn my entire universe!

Br00t4L BR4SSC0RE ♥

PR3TTY BR4SSC0RE ♥

EXTRA VIDEO.

2009-07-09T03:30:00.000-07:00

DALTON. DAAALTON. DAAALTONNNN.

I will make this boy mine one day. Ezmay and i both.

WE WILL PREVAIL WITH THE HxC RAINDANCE-NESS THAT IS ESTADALTINOO!

If you don't find that sexy, you're blind.

And Adrina? Totalleh slap meh.

THE TIME HAS COME, FOR YOUR,

ELIMINATION.

iss. :)

Buried by the words of a liar.

2009-07-09T02:55:00.000-07:00

You are nothing more than a selfish, spoiled, brat. This is my theory: as a child, nobody ever really turned you down for anything. It was always yes, yes and yes, and never no. Which is exactly why you are behaving the way you are now. I am past the point of guilt -now, i'm just really, really, really, fucking angry, and permanently ticked off at you.

Look, you ridiculous piece of shit -i am trying. I'm sorry i am not up to your standards but i am trying hard and i am growing. Who the fuck are you to make those comments about me? Who the fuck are you to question my abilities? Nobody. NO-FREAKING-BODY. Delusional, selfish, self absorbed, sorry excuse for a cunt. If i never see your face again after all of this is over, i will be fine! Ecstatic in fact. In the short span of time that i have known you, you have managed to push so many of my buttons, degrade me, make me feel like shit and turn me on the wrong way that i don't know how this does not affect anything. IT DOES. Everything is ruined. Thank you, adieu, congratulations. More people want to 2-step the fuck out of your crotch than you think.

OM&M's embarking on their first evarr tour across America next month (i think)!
My STHEART Block tee is fading... great excuse to buy a new oneeee :]
NEED TO BUG DADDEH ABOUT MY CDs FROM EBAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YAAAAAAA.
The Oliver brothers light up my life :D
TUMBLR > BLOGSPOT
This whole week has been really rough, sad, and mental breakdown-ish.
Adrina and Ezmay (Esmeralda) r00lz d00d. So go blow a cow.
And i'm still really pissed off.

EDIT: This is a comment off estaDaltino's latest video that i LOL-ed at. User ryno166, you pwn.

"A type of genre of screamo hardcore music by the band Attack Attack! The genre isn't of musical value but of appearance as the bands do crab like movements on performances. These include bending your knees down until your crotch practically hits the floor and doing jumps in this position."

Whiting is teh King of Crabcore.

He goes down so fucking low, it's psychotic! But hella sexy MUAHAHA!

( Adrina, you has teh permission to slap mehhhhhhh as usual. )

AND THIS IS TO CALM ME DOWN.

HAMSTARRRR LIKE EH, EH?! >:D

The concept of breathing.

2009-07-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

My collector's item France Barbie is here! And it's displayed proudly in between my crime books, still in its box and whatnot. I even received a free Barbie 50th Anniversary t-shirt that i will proudly wear around and about... just not in public :]

Look, i'm a 16-year-old sXe mosh warrior who still has a deep love for Barbies. Is that so wrong?

Anywaaaay. I FINALLY found the most recent issue of Alt Press magazine at Borders today, with Mike Hranica, Alex Gaskarth, Craig Mabbitt and some 3oh!3 dude on the front cover. It wasn't until i paid for it (and my other purchases) that i realized that they have an alternate cover for the same issue.. one with Craigery Michael Owens on it. Ah well. Mike Hranica comes a close second anyway.

AND HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. Something is hella up in the band waters this year. So many bands are splitting, and equally as many band members are leaving. RIP Oceana, Akissforjersey.. sayonara Chris Preece, Ryan Ross & Jon Walker and most importantly, Derrick Frost. Like, what is up?!

I hate 3OH!3.

iTubed.

2009-07-03T09:20:00.000-07:00

OHMYGOSHH I FINALLY REMEMBER THIS SONG AFTER TWO YEARS THANK YOU GOD.

AND THIS IS A LEGIT COVER.

AND THIS SONG IS KIUT.

That champagne feeling.

2009-07-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

Open Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay = done!

How'd it go? Well actually. Both of my parents came to take my report card. They didn't say much, and my dad was being his usual embarrassing self. Puan Sabariah, you're totally epic, i love you! Although i kinda wish that you meant what you said. I hope you did! Of course, i went home after that, got myself some Burger King and had lunch alone at home. Took a short nap -actually, i fell asleep listening to the Impending Doom stuff someone sent me two days ago, woke up, redid the Gathering schedule and well, decided to blog.

Poh Lian! Your camera is so awesome. I actually look good in the pictures, rofl. And i have the cutest friends ever (Babs and Divya, i'm staring at you). I didn't get to meet your mom though :[ bummer.

Okay, well two days ago, in the Physics lab, while waiting for the experiment to start, Jen Yeen, Novia and a couple of other people were talking about licking elbows. They tried to lick theirs and i decided to join in the fun.. well, guess what?

I CAN LICK MY ELBOW OMGGGG.

True story fact! I'll take a picture or a video of me licking my elbow as proof, and i'll post it up here so you can see :D i'm pretty stoked about the fact that i am included in the 1% of people who can lick their elbows. It makes me feel special haha.

I can't wait until my grandparents return from Australia with my nuuuu shoooeeeessssss. Plus, i miss my grandma too much already.

What makes you good?

Safe to say.

2009-06-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

I'm just happy to be aliiiiive

Why do you let me stay here?

2009-06-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone. I've been stuck at home again today due to me being sick. Seriously, i've been coughing every minute.. or sputtering, yeah maybe that's the correct word. But i guess being sick has its perks. Like, for instance, i was given the biggest cinnamon swirl when i went to the bakery in front of my house around 5:30PM, so that's cool. Oh, i went home and logged onto MSN and then something happened on the Internet that made me feel a bajillion times better so yaaay :]

Entahlah. I really don't understand what some people want from me. If i talk about this, they want to talk about something else. If i talk about that, they shut down completely. If i try being a friend, they brush me off. So what? Now what? What do you want from me now? I am confused and frustrated really.

My posts are getting shorter and shorter, but that's mostly because i don't have much to say anymore. Or maybe life's not that interesting yet. Maybe it's still in the holiday mood like me? Also, Tumblr has been taking up much of my time. I'm not gonna lie, seeing other people liking my posts and reblogging things really make me happy and feel appreciated. OH Blogsecret too :] and the fuckyeah tumblelogs on there.

Oh well, here is something interesting for today:

Been having a dream lately. I'm not sure if it is creepy or cool, but it's me, in a gorgeous white dress floating in the clouds. I'm hand in hand with a boy, and we're cloud jumping -jumping from one cloud to another. We're having a good time, laughing and smiling. We then stop at a cloud, and he bends down to kiss me, when his face changes.. and changes, and changes, and changes. And then he's gone.. and i'm left alone in my gorgeous white dress, on a cloud, staring out at the sky.

Thoughts?

It's far better to listen.

2009-06-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

Fuck the hiatus.

Look, i'm sincerely sorry i can't make it to Saturday's grand production. Really, i am. Honestly, i did want to go to support Nik, Iman and Fatin but because i have my Physics tuition at 5:30PM, i can't. Canceling class is not an option since i've missed the last 2 weeks of class and unfortunately, i can't go for the night show either. Saturday happens to be my dad's birthday and we're going out for a celebration dinner and it's not my fault that my dad doesn't want to go to the musical drama eventhough i had asked him countless times. I'm sorry that it's compulsory for Lit students and that this decision might cost me my formative marks but so be it. You win some and you lose some, and in this case, i am losing out on the musical drama and my formative marks. I can't really do much about this but whatever. I've come to accept it and am prepared and willing to receive the backlash or the consequences of my actions.

That sounded overly dramatic but you get my point.

Just one thing though: om man ska välja någon att vara den ledande rollen och sedan be henne läpp synch till någon annans röst med ursäkten att "rädda showen", du kan lika gärna inte har valt henne för att vara den ledande rollen . LIKE DUH.

Jag bryr mig inte som läser detta eller finner en översättning för det, kan jag få problem men jag inte bryr sig. Du har drivit henne i leran så länge praxis har pågått. Sätt att behandla henne med respekt. Och på grund av att jag har förlorat en mycket stor mängd respekt för några av de personer som ansvarar för detta drama också.

I feel really violent now. Thanks.

To cheer myself up.

Let me embrace you with this kiss.

2009-06-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

Hi old friend :]

I haven't uploaded this blog in a long time, which is quite unusual for me. Been preoccupied with books, Twitter, essays and my latest addiction -Tumblr. Well i don't actually have much to update on since the start of the second semester has been quite slow in taking off. I skipped school yesterday because i was sick and apparently, i had made the right choice. The class had only studied Chemistry -out of 6 subjects that we have on that day. Well, i had fun at home nonetheless, upping my Tumblarity like a mad cow, lol.

Um what else? The school drama is coming up, and i'm not sure whether to go for it or not. The teachers who read my blog are sure to urge me to buy tickets but most probably, i will be staying at home on the night of 25th of June, Tweeting the shit out of my computer and trawling through websites. I guess i'll be there in spirit? Ha, i don't know, we'll see about that as well.

I need to go email some stuff to my uncle now :]

I miss my grandparents btw. Both sets aren't in the country right now, with one set having fun in the UK and the other baby sitting in Australia. I hope everyone is happy and healthy.

♥

2009-06-14T08:30:00.000-07:00

This picture makes me aww :]

This picture also reflects how i feel about a certain best bud named Scout Rubano, mehehehe!

[ credits: www.myspace.com/dunksphotography, appropriate owners ]

Interpretations.

2009-06-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

I feel bad for my sisters. They have to listen to my music all day, especially the littlest one, during this holiday period. I feel bad because, ha, i'd put the music on and she'd start crying because i'm interrupting her sleep. And Hanan, she always comes to my room at night when i'm doing my homework or reading or whatever, and she'd ask me about the songs i listen to like, "Ifah kenapa orang menyanyi itu jerit-jerit tu Ifah? Dia sakit ke?", which is hilarious. Well, the holidays are ending and the iPod won't be on as frequently so i guess that'll be their break. I hope they don't grow up to be like me.

One day, after everything is gone and destroyed, i'm going to get this tattooed on me: I swear to God my intentions were gold.

WELL OBVIOUSLY NOT >:[

The first week of holidays was pure bliss. On Monday i woke up and lazed around the house, doing nothing. Mae came over on Tuesday for our long overdue LOST marathon and i went out with my cousins on Wednesday. Thursday was the father-daughter-cousins bonding day out and i had spent Friday at Aquaria with my dad and Hanan as well as a shopping (lol not really) trip at Midvalley afterwards. Road trip with the family on Saturday where we stopped by at the dam, and i just felt the most overwhelming sense of peace and on Sunday? I can't remember Sunday but Ghost was on at night which is always good. Oh, i fell sick too.

This second week however feels so mediocre and blase. Tuition from Monday to Saturday, non stop. And fuck it, i have a 2 hour accounts session today. How i wish her car would get a flat tyre and she'd cancel on me. Uhm yeah, also, the homework pile staring me smack dab in the eyes. I GET IT FUCKER. I should probably start doing at least 1 out of the 4 +Math sets that i need to do. The worksheets are all okay though, the answers can just be copied from the revision or text books. Why can't i be in a band, touring across the American states huh? Waaaay more fun than being a Sri Amanian student. It's times like these that i wish it was 2010. Oh i didn't even get to have my Dexter/The Office/Friday Night Lights marathon. I've only watched 1 episode of Dexter, which i loved. That show is cool, totally my cup of tea.

I've started hating the people i never thought i'd hate ever. Oh haha, wouldn't you just love to know who but sorry! I'm shutting you out of this one. I think everything i've done in the past 3 months has been a mistake. I have nothing else to live for now, and i just want to take everything back just so i can do it all over again. The insomnia's getting worse btw. At least i inherited a D70 from my dad. Not that i know shit on what to do with it. Me? Photography? Big fucking HA. Maybe if i lived in a place or country worth documenting, it could/would come in handy. Not in this shit hole though. I hardly consider taking pictures of me and my friends in front of a mirror using an expensive piece of metal? plastic? photography. But hey! Whatever floats your boat, homie. I'm going to go crawl back into my hole now.

Pictures of band people brings me glee. It's so easy to make me happy.

Expanding.

2009-06-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

I deleted half of my playlist today.

Goodbye (insert band names). It was a good run.

But i'll probably download them back in two weeks.

Uhm. The 10000 hour car ride to Pahang today was tiresome.

We didn't use the highway. Some old back road through the mountains.

Which quadrupled the time it would normally take for someone to get to Pahang if he were to use the highway. The old back road also had a lot of twists and turns.

I puked as soon as i arrived home.

It was a bad choice to listen to TDWP during the mountain road part.

Because i had a headache, thanks to the winding roads, my sister's constant nagging (yes she nags) and Mike Hranica's voice in my head.

Buffalo meat is tres delicious. No, seriously.

I'm downloading songs now.

And if you must know, this is my favorite song of all-time, all-time damnit!

Ignore the Spanish subtitles. And sorry for the bad quality of the video.

Just enjoy the beautiful song.

I also enjoy this song quite a bit.

Damn you Aussies, bahahaha.

Anatomy of a scene.

2009-06-05T06:44:00.000-07:00

I touched a shark today -not in a metaphorical or figurative way, like literally touched a shark. I went to Aquaria with my sister and dad, and was pleasantly surprised. I didn't expect it to be as cool and amazing as it was, and despite the overpriced tickets, i genuinely had fun, and i now have a newfound love for marine life. The humongous arapaima fish and friendly turtles were my favorites, as well as the moray eels with intricately patterned skin. Saw shark eggs with shark fetuses in them as well, and an iguana, which was behind a glass enclosure tried to intimidate me. I had a great time.

Things i bought today: The Sims 3, a black cardigan, the latest AP Mag issue and Nic Sheff's Tweak.

Currently downloading: AP Podcast 37 (Escape the Fate) and AP Podcast 18 (Craig Owens).

I'm of good cheer.

2009-06-04T05:31:00.000-07:00

I feel like i've lost the moxy to do this -blog, i mean. There's just nothing worth writing about anymore, and my English is deteriorating. Maybe i shall go on a hiatus, i'm not sure, but i don't want to delete this blog. I've spent a lot of time with it and i've grown somewhat attached to it so i don't want to put all that effort to waste. But i feel like i can open up more on Mei & You compared to this blog, and i suppose it's because not many people read it. I do have a secret Vox account but to hell with that -i've forgotten the username and password anyway.

Anyway, moving on. I had a nice day out with my dad and three of my cousins today. We had a so-called movie marathon at The Pavilion -2 movies in one day. We were there from 11 to 6 in the evening, and the movies we chose to watch were Night At The Museum 2 and 17 Again. I must admit, 17 Again was an enjoyable and funny movie, though i am no fan of Zac Efron, he can act well. According to my dad, a few girls behind him were squealing in delight and exclaiming things like "OMG CUTE!" every time he appeared on screen -which is all of the scenes. Night At The Museum 2 wasn't as funny as 17 Again but i liked it nonetheless, mainly because i was imagining what fun it would actually be if museum exhibits actually came to life at night. And then i thought about how fun it would be to have shot that movie, especially for the actors.

The Sims 3 hasn't arrived at the Mac Epicentre yet, or even in Malaysia (the Mac version) but apparently, according to the salesperson who attended to us, the PC version is also compatible with Macs. Basically it means that there is no Mac or PC version for The Sims 3, ala The Sims 2 and i am delighted. Tomorrow, i shall be looking for it. Oh, that salesperson looked like Morgan from Chuck btw, which i was excited about, gahahaha.

I've been reading this book titled Go Ask Alice written by Anonymous lately and it is really good. It is filed under non-fiction teen books but the authenticity of that is questionable. It doesn't matter though because i still recommend everyone to read it. It's in the form of a diary of an anonymous fifteen-year-old girl who died from a drug overdose, and this diary of hers chronicles her experiences before, during and after drugs and her death of course. The death is informed to the the reader through an end editorial note, which states that we have no idea whether the death (overdose) was accidental or planned. It's quite a harrowing, vivid, scary and sad book, regardless of whether or not it's actually real, real with fictional parts added to it for drama or completely fiction. Another similar book i am angling for, which i saw in the bookshop too but i couldn't buy both since i didn't have enough money, would be Nic Sheff's Tweak, which is absolutely non-fiction and true. See, i'd much rather read these type of books then chick lits, and i'm not putting down anyone who does like to read chick lits but this is just my preference. It's quite hard to fish out these types of books in the Teen section but i found it stashed away and buried under the Private series. I am glad i found them.

The LOST marathon with Mae went well, although i did fall asleep during the 9th episode. Sorry Mae :] and now, we only have the season finale, which is broken down into three episodes, to watch, while i am in the process of downloading Season 5. I am really excited to watch Season 5, especially after finding out the truth about Jacob and Locke online. Yes, i hunt for spoilers and read all the episode summaries on wikipedia, sue me. Aaaand next week, i hope Trishayy is coming for our long overdue Friday Night Lights Season 2 marathon as well as Mae too! The three of us are starting a youtube account together, haha. Well, that will be fun and chaotic for sure.

Did you know, i've developed insomnia this past week? Quite baffling, but i can't sleep at all. I just lie there in bed, making up conversations with my bolster who i make believe is a person, and wait to drift off to sleep, which usually happens around 4 in the morning. I hope this blows over soon as school is restarting in a week (sorry i had to remind you) and i can't be lethargic in class. Oh yeah, that pile of homework has remained untouched this week, and i have vowed to complete it next week. Well, i am confident i will do it, since this all probably counts for my formative marks, blahblahblah. Imagine 4 sets of +Maths worksheets to do -4 sodding sets! Next week, i promise.

I checked my blog tracker a few hours ago and realized that someone had arrived to this blog from iamcraigowens, and i don't know why but i am very happy about that! Hopefully, more people will arrive from there.

Mullet with headlights.

2009-06-03T03:18:00.000-07:00

Okay everyone, please watch this. It's high-freakin'-larious!

Season one.

2009-06-02T06:15:00.000-07:00

Tim: Here's to God and football and, ten years from now, Street, good friends livin' large in Texas. Texas forever buddy, Street.

Jason: Texas forever.

Radio: Feed the dogs, spit the fire, lock up your daughters. Turn on the radio, sit down, and shut up 'cause it is game time, people!

Coach Taylor: You got a girlfriend?

Matt: Uh, no, sir.

Coach Taylor: Do you have someone you’re interested in?

Matt: Uh…sort, sort of

Coach Taylor: Sort of. Forget about sort of. You know what? Take her out. You understand me?

Matt: Sir?

Coach Taylor: Dinner, movies, get her in the backseat of your car. I don’t care, whatever, but I’m telling you, you need to get loose out there. You’re wound up tighter then a rubber band out there, son.

Matt: Yes, sir.

Coach Taylor: Good. So tomorrow, you come to practice loose and focused.

Matt: Loose and focused. Yes, sir

Coach Taylor: Get out of here.

Matt: Yes..yes, sir, sorry. Thanks coach.

Coach Taylor: You’re welcome.

Coach Taylor: [to his wife, about Matt] I think I told that kid to get our daughter in the backside of a car.

Jason: Yeah, of course you do. You wanna call yourself my best friend and you haven’t shown up but once since I’ve been in here. Six weeks, man. Six weeks. Let me go ahead and recap my life for you over the last couple of weeks, huh? My day starts out with me laying down on this bed, well pretty much the whole day takes place with me laying down in this bed on my sorry quadriplegic ass. Every day, people come in here poking and prodding me like I'm a piece of meat. Go ahead and stick a catheter in me in places you don’t want to know about. My big adventure of the day is going to the commode ‘cause I gotta go at the same time everyday so I can teach my body how to crap on cue. Impressive, huh? And then Lyla comes running in-(laughing)--I wanna know if she’s as chipper out there as she is in here. ‘Cause I tell you what –I love that girl. I do, I love her more then life itself but I tell you what if she tells me how great everything’s gonna be when I finally get out of here one more time, I’m gonna lose it. Point is this Timmy, while I’m in here dealing with all this, by myself, and my best friend is out there putting a four barrel carb in his damn truck. Is that what’s important right now? Answer me this Timmy, what happened to Texas forever? Huh? What happened to living large? What happened to that eternal bond that you used to love to throw around when I was still healthy and headed towards the NFL? Huh? I need you here Tim! I need you here. I expect---I expect you here. You are my best friend. Grace period's over.

Landry: Matt, that’s the thing. You’re not listening to me. If you look at a girl like a geometry proof the answer is just right in front of you. It’s your job to find the missing variable. You gotta solve for x.

Matt: Yeah, um, that’s actually algebra.

Landry: That’s actually not the point.

Tami: It’s becoming a thing. I mean, it’s a thing. And you know what thing it is, it’s that thing that we always knew was going to happen to our little girl. It’s that thing—that thing’s happening now.

Coach Taylor: Well, at least she’s not interested in a serial killer, or one of the Riggins.

Tami: What’s the Scarlet Letter all about Tim?

Tim: You know what it’s about.

Tami: I do know.

Tim: Yeah

Tami: What’s the Scarlet Letter about?

Tim: It’s about a gal name Scarlet obviously

Tami: Tim you did not write this paper.

Tim: What’s the big deal?

Tami: The big deal is, that it's part of my job to make sure that you don't grow up stupid...it's bad for the world.

Buddy: Thank you Lord for letting Buckley win. I know it was nothing short of a miracle and I thank you for that miracle. I know you truly are an all powerful God to let such a crap team win.

Tim: What do you do?

JV Player: Uh, okay, I know this.

Tim: Too late, play's over. You waited too long to make a decision and now we lost the game 'cause of you. We're not going to State and the whole town of Dillon hates you. You're never gonna get laid your entire life. Fact.

Matt: So, you wanna maybe try and study again in the…

Julie: I think we should have sex.

Matt: Morning.

Julie: Well, I think it’s time, don’t you think. [Matt nods] Yeah, me too, so um, let’s get on that, good night.

Tami: [from the car] Hey, Matt.

Matt: Hi, Mrs…Mrs. Coach.

Bo: What are you doing Tim Riggins?

Tim: I’m fixing my truck.

Bo: Well, I’m Bo Miller; I’m your new next door neighbor.

Tim: Ok.

Bo: And you’re Tim Riggins number 33 who single handedly led the Panthers to the semi’s. What happened to your eye? Are you gonna be able to play in the semi’s?

Tim: Can you shut up?

Bo: I don’t know can I?

Tim: Stop please, I’m gonna need you to shut up. Cause I’m incredibly hung over right now.

Bo: What does that mean?

Tim: You’re going to need to go home, okay, thank you.

Landry: Tyra is that you, what are you doing here?

Tyra: Nothing just wishing I could build a time machine and go back and shoot who ever it is that invented Algebra, that’s for sure.

Landry: Well, see that’s kind of a Catch-22, though because in order to invent that time machine you may need to use Algebra.

Julie: [tackles Matt Saracen and kisses him] I’ll always love you no matter what happens.

Soul asylum.

2009-05-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

Ben Folds. Judy Garland.

Me, being a coward.

Red eye.

2009-05-31T10:21:00.001-07:00

Yeah well, it was time for a change. But truthfully, i miss my black layout.

They should have a Minima Dark Lefty!

Insects.. or really tiny men with wings.

2009-05-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

Resizing is tiring.

♥

Ter-superficial sekejap.

2009-05-31T03:26:00.000-07:00

I NEED to know if i have cankles or not!

Revive, revitalize.

2009-05-30T07:34:00.000-07:00

I have to say, i make a pretty good backstage manager. Hehe. Well for a first timer, i thought i did quite a good job. Of course, there were a few parties who weren't satisfied and had to give me their trouble but all in all, i think the Teacher's Day event went well. I was dead tired after that though, and had to sit for an Economics paper with a killer headache and aching fingers. Well, according to Anarrin, i got an A so i guess it is all truly good.

I am in love with Daneah's vocal prowess and Pui Lei's mad dance skillz :D and don't pretend like you're not into them either!

I had my weekly guitar lesson at 8PM, and after that i was sent to Sg. Buloh for a sleepover at Maryam's house. There were some issues going there but nothing i couldn't handle. Well, a girl gets used to her dad's tantrums after a while. Anyway, i reached there at around 10 and ate a waffle. Nik was there too! We (Maryam, Nik and myself) played The Sims 3 after that. OMG I LOVELOVELOVE THE SIMS 3, SERIOUS SHIZZ. I take back what i said dude, about not getting it and stuff because fuck it! I fucking want The Sims 3 in my computer! The range of hairstyles is quite disappointing though but like, about 10000 other things make up for that. It's hecka awesomeeeee. Seriously.

We went to bed at 1. And i woke up to the sound of Maryam's cat scratching her cork board. Cats are gross. We went to OU at around noon and i finally have a pair of black skinny jeans that fit me! Praise be to God, it was damn affordable too. And i am still stuffed from my lunch-slash-hearty-laugh-session-with-the-girls at Carl's Jr., you should've seen the amount of food on our table. I went home, logged on to youtube, and found someone who had replied to my comment. This is what he said:

"I hate kids who give people who are right thumbs down. Dumb scene kids..>_>. It was suppose to be the official but Idk why they changed it....maybe cause it sucked haha"

Teehee, notice the "people who are right" part? Ohh yeaaahh. I got 2 thumbs down for a comment i made on a video and this dude was all knight in shining armor on me. Okay not really but i've never been right on youtube before! This is exciting :D lol. So my 2 week holiday has pretty much started off well.. and on Tuesday, Mae is coming for a LOST marathon, woohoo! Definitely cannot wait for that. I'mma make her bawl her eyes out for Ji Yeon, fer sure.

This is a dying blog, correct?

What's going on?

2009-05-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

To whoever it may concern lah kan.

I am so amused and so upset right now. You know, it never made sense to me when people say this:

"Do you think that your tudung will fit into today's modern era?"

Firstly, if you want to talk about being modern, maybe you should go and change your glasses or get Lasik eye surgery -and then we can talk. Secondly, if we were in a modern era as you say so, you would have the decency to respect other people for their religious beliefs and viewpoints, and not discriminate against them because of it. Wearing the tudung doesn't affect anything, much less this. She's a teacher, not an A-grade hooker. I don't understand your logic as wearing the tudung has nothing whatsoever to do with being modern anyway. Serious shit, can someone make me understand the meaning of said question?

You wanna know the most unfortunate part about this whole thing? This is happening in the most unexpected of places. Surreal.

One thing i am right about.

2009-05-27T04:09:00.000-07:00

I TOLD YOU IT WAS GONNA SUCK! HA!

We all fall down.

2009-05-26T02:52:00.000-07:00

It's over. It's done. And it's gone. Goodbye, i'm no longer interested in defending the both of you.

Kataaak, kataaak.

2009-05-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

Camp post :)

I don't know where to start. We departed from school at 2.30 in a bus, to Lembah Azwen which was located at Hulu Langat. It was a short ride, about an hour and a half and i sat next to Dayah. We were listening to my iPod on the way and we arrived at the resort around 3.30. I liked how all 48 of us campers stayed together in a dorm, instead of being split into groups like normal because it felt more bonded. I slept on the top bunk while Dayah slept on the bottom bunk, and Maryam and Fatin were sleeping in the bunk bed next to ours. Had the Form 2s in front of me, they're a pretty trippy bunch, haha. Anyway, the first module started at 4.30 i think and it was ice-breaking. I was in the Cat group with Riyana, Ilana, Mai, Hanis, Aqila, Aliah and Nad.

Ooh on the first night, we went for a nightwalk-slash-jungle trekking. And we actually went into a jungle. Not like the outskirts of a jungle, not a tame jungle but an actual jungle-y jungle. I didn't bring any long sleeved tshirts so i borrowed Dayah's hoodie. Everyone had their pants in their socks to avoid being sucked by leeches. We all looked sort of dorky and sort of like a Gurkha guard. I trekked through the jungle in my red Converse shoes and they didn't fall apart like Maryam predicted, woo! Anyway, it was scary because we went deep into the jungle and there were all these steep hills and sharp rocks. At one point, Pak Mokthar, who was guiding us, told us to stop, in the middle of the jungle, and turn our flashlights off. We were all holding hands like crazy. And then we had to follow him sing this semi-creepy song and after we were done he told us to be silent and still, and to look at the scenery around us. Uhm.. i heard some noises, like "ooooOoOoOoOoooOoOoOoOoo " type noises coming from my right. Apparently some other people heard it too. Anyway, i think the whole nightwalk was about 4 km long? Maybe more i dunno but glad we made it out in one piece.

The second day started off with modules as usual and we had an Explorace type of game in the evening. My group came in second. The last task required us to eat raw sardines and eggs mixed together. I was doing fine actually until Aliah threw up. Then i couldn't take it anymore. But kesian Aliah :( and i'm sorry i didn't help clean up the puke. I just can't. We had a Form 5 conducted module at night which was a lot of fun. The first game was writing anonymous notes to people saying whatever we wanted to say. I didn't have enough paper to send everyone an anonymous note so i'm sorry! The second game was the stereotype game where each of us had a sticker on our forehead saying what type of person we are. We had to go around and interact with people, treating them as how we would treat that stereotype. I got"Curi BF kawan" or "Boyfriend stealer". Amalina Rahmat got "Adam Lambert" by the way and i was running up to her and hugging her but she started screaming at me and telling me to stay away from her, lolol. Talya got "Serial farter" HAHAHAHAHA. To end the module, we danced the Macarena.

At night, we had a bonding session and like, some weird bodily talents show and tell thing happened. I told them i could fit my fist(s) in my mouth and everyone was like "Karen! Karen!", haha. Then, Maryam, Fatin, Dayah, Dora, Suki, Izozo, Wono, Riyana and i left to play our lipat-lipat game. HIGH-LARIOUS I TELL YOU. The ones who were still bonding called me back and asked me to play the chubby bunny game. This is how the game goes: i had to stuff as many marshmallows as i could into my mouth and say chubby bunny. Nad got 4 and me? Well, i got seven :D i'm so BrOOt4L hahahaha. We slept pretty late that night and woke up late too.

The last day was emotional. We found out who our GAs were and mine was MILLIE ONG. Actually, i thought that Su Wei was my GA when we first started the game but she wasn't at camp so it obviously wasn't her. Then, when my GA sent me a letter in Suki's handwriting, i thought it was her but Suki revealed herself to be Nad's GA. So someone walked around in the circle thing with everyone's eyes closed and it turned out she was Millie's GA, we had to close our eyes again and when we opened our eyes, Millie was in front of me saying, "Do i look like Su Wei to you?" and i started bawling my eyes out. Sorry for the ugliness you had to witness everybody. Anyway, i cried really hard lah, because when i was in Form 1, i was Millie's GA and now she's MY Ga so it's like full circle. Millie was, or is, a nice GA btw. And like yeah, sorry for the ugliness of my face again, hahaha. My BA didn't come to camp though :(

I had a good time at camp, eventhough the place had some iffy people there but nevertheless, i bonded with my seniors and juniors and i had fun. I can't wait for next year's camp, eventhough it's gonna be my last camp. Time flies by so fast, and we are definitely going to miss 09s Fifth Formers. Aiya i'm gonna start crying again.

( sorry for the horrible grammar and overall English in this post, still a bit tired from camp )

If anyone has pictures.. please and thank you :)

Summarized camp post.

2009-05-24T05:14:00.000-07:00

I am back from camp :] proper update post soon because right now, i am just so tired, plus i can't write in paragraphs on this computer, i don't know why. Anyway, i had tons of fun eventhough the place was kind of iffy. Again, all of this will be explained in my next post. For now, i am going to bed so goodnight everyone. My Twitter STILL won't let me upload a picture.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

2009-05-21T01:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe i this is my 201st post.. YDG!? Roflolololol.

Anyway, the azan is really loud today. I think the mosque got a new system. It sounds good, kind of like how it does during Ramadhan but ten times louder. Super sweet.

Btw, congratulations Kris Allen :]

The smell of rain is intoxicating. I miss you.

Babble babble.

2009-05-20T02:21:00.000-07:00

What a week.

I've never felt more depressed about an exam paper as i did for my Biology paper. How does she do it, that Puan Yong? She manages to murder us every single time. It was so frustrating for me because i studied hard for Biology and yet, i couldn't pull it off. Fell flat on my face, epic fail. I totally screwed my essay (20 marks!) by literally writing 6 or 7 lines on the so called diagram, which i took as a cell wall. Uhm, no, not exactly, it was a fucking meristematic plant cell. To those of you who described it as an epithelial cell, well, at least yours made sense and was about what? 5000 pages long? Stfu and don't pretend like i didn't see you stapling your papers together. Being humble doesn't make me feel better, it just makes me feel worse. Anyway, i feel like facepalming myself now that i think about it because that stupid diagram clearly had some mitosis-ness going on. How could i not put two and two together? Sigh. If you're reading this Ms. Thilaga, i am so sorry. I thought that i could get at least an B1 for the midterms but clearly, i was wrong.

+Maths was okay. Well, actually no. +Maths was rushed for me. To be honest, the paper wasn't mind-busting difficult, i just felt like i didn't have enough time. Obviously i need to do more practice to identify the questions and all. Well, i did practice 3 chapters, and i spent the whole of yesterday (Tuesday) night doing questions on Functions while talking to Abel and Poh Lian (personal +Maths life support) online. I was so caught up in Functions that i actually forgot to watch CSI:NY and went to bed at 1 in the morning feeling satisfied that i understood how to do inverse questions now. At school, Mae asked me if i had watched last night's episode and facial expression automatically went to D: as i realized what she was talking about. Hmph. Well, again, the paper wasn't hard. I just felt rushed doing it and, well, a lot of the stuff i knew and had practiced basically abandoned me during the paper. 5 mins before it was due to end, i was actually still working on 3 questions (2 short and 1 long) at the same time. Crazy but i pulled it off. Better to have a wrong answer than no answer at all, methinks, because who knows? Maybe my working or something was correct and i'd get 1 mark or something but whatever. Deal.

I can't wait for camp, and i thought i'd have like, a blissful holiday or something but judging from the papers i've sat for so far this week, i clearly need to buck the fuck up and start reading my revision books more. Clearly my last-minute study method doesn't work as effectively as it had for when i was in Lower Secondary. Even my English essay was sub par by my standards. I didn't feel proud or excited about the essay as i did for my Warped tour letter or my NST articles. Save for the Amber Alert part, everything else felt lame to me. Physics was enjoyable, surprisingly. Maybe because the essay questions that came out were actually something that i understood and kind of wanted to appear. There were some questions which i couldn't do but brain strain, i managed to fill in the blanks towards the end, Alhamdulillah. 5 more papers to go, and after Chemistry is over tomorrow, i'm gonna be one happy camper. Because honestly, and no offence to Pn. Christina, who the heck cares about Physical Education test papers anyway? FYI, this was a point that i brought up in my Malay essay so, yeah. History will be.. History. Thank goodness for the presence of Paper 1.

I want to thank A Skylit Drive, TDWP and Kris Allen's Heartless for keeping me company throughout this whole Midterms period. For reasons unknown to myself, i have actually managed to remember stuff better by listening to them. How odd. However, i don't think it's safe to have random images of Cory popping up in my mind during my papers. It's quite distracting, haha. You know what i mean.

Nostalgic, eh?

2009-05-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

Once Midterms is over, and once i get back from camp, i am going to spend time writing my numerous articles to be sent off to NST, read my beautiful new book, read my AP mag, download and indulge in new music, play the guitar, have a LOST marathon with Mae, have an FNL marathon with Trishayy, sew my two new school badges onto my two new pairs of school uniforms, watch The Biggest Loser, spend more time on Absolutepunk (guilty), eat ice cream everyday, rearrange my closet and donate the clothes i rarely wear, rearrange everything in my room, go to the bakery in front of my house more often, do more Maths (both Mod and Add) exercises, watch Dexter (not the cartoon), waste my days away on youtube, play the Sims 2.. oh wait, it's only a 2-week holiday, not my post-PMR days. Darn.

OY YOU NO WAI.

2009-05-17T08:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, all you need is one person.. to set you off for the rest of the week. Jerk.

Git.

2009-05-16T02:29:00.000-07:00

It's so frustrating for me because i am thisclose to having it but so far away from owning it. Do i make sense to you? Maybe this is the Physics talking.

I am waves.

2009-05-15T06:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, the weekends. I will stock up on Biology+Physics+Chemistry+Maths+Add Maths knowledge starting tonight until Sunday. Let's number-blog!

Poh Lian is awesome. Why? Because she actually texted me to ask if i wanted a Chicken Soup For The Tea Lover's Soul since she was at a book shop and it was selling for $8. I was at Chemistry tuition so i couldn't reply in time but isn't that so sweet of her? She remembered this whole tea shop thing i'm planning to open sometime in my life, which was devised last year. LAST YEAR. And Poh Lian remembered. She also lets me steal her biscuits sometime, and we eat it under the desk. HAHA. So yeah, Poh Lian pretty much pwns your face.
My Columbine-by-Dave-Cullen (no relation to Edward "Sissyface" Cullen) book is here! It is here! And, and, and.. it's beautiful. The cover, the thickness, the content.. just, wow. Too bad my dad got his thumbprints all over the front cover! I will try to erase it later.
Derrick Frost is no longer a part of Chiodos. I know. Read the full band statement at www.myspace.com/chiodos and click on their latest blog post or one that sounds something like "Parting Ways With An Old Friend".
..the AH1N1 flu is, in, Malaysia. I must not panic. Adam Lambert will screech that flu away!

The concept of breathing.

2009-05-14T05:23:00.000-07:00

6++ hours of non-stop writing and 12 pages of essays has been completed.. for today. Gosh, i feel my joints locking up and permanently coiled around a pen =.= That's thirteen -THIRTEEN- papers to go. I will log off in a few mins, shower, take a one hour nap and awake to resume studying for Islamic Studies. I love it, i really do, my religion and me and all but i have this nagging feeling of regret at the back of my head.. wish i had started studying sooner. All together now: sesal dahulu and not sesal kemudian. My God, i am pathetic. Proper post soon on why Poh Lian is the coolest person ever!

I curse Chapter 3 of History, kthxbyee.

2009-05-13T08:33:00.001-07:00

Well, maybe i should skip school more often since today was SUCH an amazing hair day, woo! And yeah, i skipped school today to study for Midterms and i did! I did study! And i will continue to study after i blog this post. I think i'm pulling an all-nighter tonight to cram. I am horrible, i know, and i have poor time management. Maybe i should've picked up on the hint when i saw Farah Jee et al. studying during Sports Day. Oh well, back to History with A Skylit Drive blasting from the speakers.. Corayyyy :)