I am tired of living this life. All i do each day is drag myself through all this self-inflicted heartache that splits my head into two. All this self loathing, paranoia, sadness and anxiety that builds up in my cells is burning me out. The problem is for every good thing that i feel, ten bad things come down on me instantly. No happiness or joy is permanent for me and all i'm doing is waiting for the sadness to rear its ugly head again. It's ruining me.
I want to fake my own death and reemerge as a completely new person. Have a new name, live in a new place, lead a new life. It seems like the simplest solution to end all these emotional and mental games my mind plays on me but realistically, you can't run away from yourself. I can fake my own death ten times over, but it doesn't change the fact that i was born as Latifah Azlan and prior to my rebirth, i still went through all the things that i did. I guess if faking my death ever went through, it'd take even more energy from me to keep up with the pretenses AND block my head from ever thinking these thoughts again, and i suppose that'll be more exhausting than whatever the heck it is that i am dealing with now.
I don't even know why i feel so miserable all the time. Some days i wake up and i'm sad as soon as my eyes open. The rest of it start off decently enough but that never lasts. Expecting for one entire solid day of feeling good is too much because all the days end the same way. If my tears don't physically fall, my heart bleeds itself dry or my brain thinks itself mad. I can't talk about anything because it all seems so silly when i put it into words but shit, it's driving me insane that i have to suppress it all inside of me. If i'm not crumbling away, i'll cave in on myself. Maybe they will both happen, like a poorly baked cake.
That's me - a cake that had the promise of being something delicious and enjoyable but was poorly baked and ended up being a sad and undesirable... thing instead.
0 jugs of lemonade:
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